Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Ayelet drives off another man

If you follow me on Faceebook and/or twitter, you may have deduced that I was recently terminated for taking an ethical stand at work. I don't want to go into the details, only to say that after months of aggressive nonsupport, I am no longer a clinical supervisor. At any particular agency. I'm still a good supervisor, and what happened -- what led up to my firing -- was almost not my fault.

That's the deduction from my social work mentor group. They were incredibly supportive as I described the circumstances leading up to the termination. Clearly my supervisor was retaliating unfairly and unethically against me.

However, I was "provoking" her. Not because I was doing anything inherently wrong, but because I was highlighting areas of disagreement with her. The mentor in my group thought I should examine why I felt such a strong need to do that, if I knew it would piss her off and little good or difference would actually come of it. Especially since a few of the decisions I made included deliberation of whether I would regret the action -- and I proceeded anyway.

Why do I do things I might regret? My therapist and I explored this yesterday. I engage in confrontations over abstract principles. Often the only outcome is negative for me, which I recognize, yet I stick to my guns. Why? Apparently I'm sick of people bullying me, hurting me, being nasty to me and not suffering any negative consequences. I need to point out their error, even to my own detriment.

It has happened so much in my life. I've been bullied in numerous jobs. Hurt by men, family members, personal trainers. There's never any retribution. So I keep fighting -- even though at this point, the outcome of my actions only hurts me more.

That may or may not be the reason. It's the first time I've engaged in such deep introspection with this therapist. We also discussed my mother, to make it almost entirely psychoanalytic, and I'm happy to report that she told me it was okay for me not to talk to her after what her degenerate pervert boyfriend did. And yet I dreamed about them last night.

As a behaviorist, I'm uncomfortable with this much subconscious, so back to the here and now: I was fired, and even though I felt ashamed to admit it to the mentor group, they were incredibly supportive. They believe I'll be okay. They believe I'm a good clinician. They believe I'll get another job.

I sure hope they're right. I've actually already turned down a job offer. I applied for an LCSW position and was interviewed for a program director position. I turned it down after being offered the job because 1) I don't think I'm ready to be in charge and 2) they changed the terms on me.

When I interviewed, I was told that Angela would be my supervisor. She's a mid-level administrator in the agency. The offer letter, however, said that I would be reporting to Corrine, who is much higher in rank.

I like Corrine. I met her at my first interview for the position. She told me, "We think you're a brilliant clinician, and we want to train you to be a superlative manager." (I might have forgotten the adjectives but the nouns are the same.)

I was flattered. But I was also flattered by the last two people who hired me -- who then turned on me for not being what they wanted or expected. And I just am not confident enough in my management skills to trust myself to do well in that kind of position yet. Also, Corrine is exponentially more busy than Angela. Even though she said I'd get supervision -- well, I was promised supervision and support by the last two people who fired me.

So I said no. Regretfully, and apprehensively, because I don't know when I'll get another good job offer. But I can't afford to flame out a third time in another six months. I am so tired of being on probation. I want to be at my next job for a very long time. (If you're a bit confused, I confess that I was too ashamed to admit I was fired from my last job. You should hear how I spin that on interviews.)

More importantly, I want to work in a psychiatric setting. I'm tired of trying to jerry-rig a treatment regimen with outside psychiatric practitioners, which is what happens at almost all substance abuse programs. Eventually New York State will merge its substance abuse and mental health oversight agencies (New Jersey did that years ago, which is kind of embarrassing), but for now, while most treatment focuses primarily either on substance use or psychiatric issues, I want to focus on the latter. It's why I sought training in substance use -- to better serve people with psychiatric disorders, almost all of whom use. I need to make the switch, and now is the time.

So I'm interviewing again. I guess it's good not to take the first job you're offered and to trust that there will be others. Although that was my dating philosophy for decades, and that was quite a debacle.

Speaking of dating debacles, I had another recently. Low-stakes, since the guy's not Jewish and arguably not desirable. His OKCupid screenname is XChristianGreyX, and here's a sample paragraph from his profile:

l am Gods gift to women, I was sent down from heaven for the sole purpose of providing womens pleasure, so consider yourself to be extremely fortunate that I am talking to you and privilaged should I allow you the opportunity to meet me. After a lifetime of being a debonair international playboy, I have decided to abandon that lifestyle by hanging up my James Bond tuxedo, throwing my Hugh Hefener smoking jacket in the garbage and look for my ONE TRUE LOVE.. 

His profile picture is a smiley emoticon. Not someone I'd usually be interested in, but he wrote me:

I eat melted mozzarella by the pound......literally by the pound. Amazingly my cholesterol is normal as is my in proportion to my height. How I don't know (smiley smiley smiley big smiley)

Now I don't feel like tigger anymore !!!

Why am I interested in communicating with him? I just want to see if I can keep his interest. If I can flirt successfully. I didn't know how to respond to his initial contact; I do say that I love melted cheese in my profile, but how do I keep the conversation going?

Genetic luck, most likely. OKCupid is warning me not to transfer funds to you and to keep my conversations safely on OKCupid.

My cholesterol is terrible. Really, really terrible; you'd think I live on steak and heavy cream.  Since I don't, it's either the result of bad genetics or one of the antidepressants I'm on. Obviously I'm not going to cop to being on antidepressants. Also, OKCupid was giving me that warning, so I might as well use that, right?

It's a day later and I'm still not sure why I wrote that to him. I guess I didn't want to engage with a scammer, but otherwise it looks like I'm.... highlighting a disagreement of sorts. Like I always do.

Ahhh I know why they do that.......because I have an option to contact me on kik in my profile. But thanks for the heads up luv

Okay. Now what do I say?

Well, that's a relief. I thought you were some kind of deranged pervert masquerading as a normal guy ;)

Because of all the Christian Grey references. Sarcasm. Is that flirtatious? A day later, I'm thinking not.

Lmao. I'm a regular guy luv. I am actually a little offended that they would even put that up there.

I don't know what to say. I'm so bad at flirting!

You do look a bit jaundiced. Have you seen a doctor?

Because the emoticon is yellow. That's clever, right?

Maybe it's from the melted mozzarella!!! Lol

What do I say? What do I say? I know, I'll spring a mini-truth bomb on him.

Now I'm hungry ;) I actually have to watch my melted cheese intake, sadly.

Aaaaaand.... crickets. I could have stopped at "hungry." Why did I have to admit that I'm either inclined to fat or high cholesterol?

Again, it's low-stakes because I wasn't actually interested in getting involved with him. But why did I think I had to disclose something negative so early on? Because I'm afraid that nobody will accept me and my diagnosis as a package deal?

Any psychoanalysts reading this are welcome to comment.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I could not be more wrong for this guy

Today on Jwed I got a message:

Hi, I like your pictures. I come to Manhattan once a week. Please view my picture. The password is [redacted.]

So I looked at his profile and his pictures. He's not physically unattractive, but he's definitely what they call "black velvet yarmulke," which translates to "too religious for Ayelet even when she used to keep Shabbos and kosher." And then there was this in his "About Me":

Caring, loving, kind, considerate, passionate, sensual, handy, Hoping to get married between Yom Kippur and Sukkot. It is a propitious time to marry according to the Holy books, especially for someone who has been divorced. It is a hectic time, yet very spiritual time. A moment when the soul is cleansed from the Atonement of Yom Kippur. Well, it's not a must, but a plus.

I'm not opposed to an autumn wedding, but I'm thinking more in terms of color scheme than cleanliness of soul, He lists his occupation as "Kollel & music." I do not want to be with someone who learns professionally; I can't afford to support that lifestyle, and I don't approve of it.

This is what he's looking for:

I don't have any specific restrictions. I would like to feel comfortable with my wife, and not have the need to converse at all times or else. I believe a husband and wife should feel naturally comfortable with each other, nevertheless I enjoy conversation, and a good laugh. 

Well, that's not too bad. After all, I like talking but I also like companionable silences.

I would like a wife that the bedroom is important to her. Once or twice a week is not what I need. I feel that husband and wife should be more open with each other in these matters and less shy.

We all know Ayelet would be happier with once or twice a day. Maybe we are compatible.

Another simple point is oral hygiene. When the moment for closeness comes, I feel for myself and my partner it should be obvious to be clean and have good breath, by brushing and taking mints. It seems kind of obvious, but the obvious at times is forgotten, due to its absolute, logical, and universal understanding. 

Is it really that difficult to establish the need for good oral hygiene? Oy. I'm starting to see why he's divorced.

Another thing, please ladies no major PMS issues, and please no Bipolar stuff. I'm trying to cut down on torture.

Well, that settles that. I'm trying to cut down on torture too, but I can't wish away the bipolar. So I wrote back telling him that we weren't a match. His response?

But I love u

Yeah, right. And people think I'm crazy. I was tempted to write, "Well, I have bipolar disorder and I'm offended by your profile" but I think it's best just to ignore his last message and block him if he gets annoying.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Saturday, May 23, 2015

A homely man with VERY high standards

Recently, a man in one of my Facebook singles groups posted an update asking if any women in the tri-state area would be interested in meeting a guy who has a good job and a nice house. I should have known that such a generic appeal would only come an unappealing prospect, but I commented and we emailed and exchanged phone numbers.

After a few days of aimless texting ("How are you?" "I'm at the pool having lunch" "How far are you from Penn Station?") he texted me on Saturday night:

What r u doing tonight I'm home relaxing. What r u doing tom

I responded

Going out with friends tonight, busy tomorrow

Not entirely true; I didn't have Saturday night plans. But I wasn't going to meet up with him last-minute. That looks desperate.

Let me know when we can talk and get together

he asked. I wrote back:

Let's talk tomorrow evening and make plans :)

The next day he texted

How are you.

I said,

Good Tired. But it was a productive day. How are you?

We exchanged a few more words, then he texted me Monday morning:

Gm. I'm at work. Let's talk later

I didn't want to chat with him while I was at work.

Okay. I should be home by 6:00 or so

He didn't like that.

I have my gym class at 6

It's not a big deal...

Call me after

I responded. He didn't. He texted me:

Do u have a pic or 2

and then texted me a picture of himself at the gym in a muscle T. Decent body, homely face. Well, it's the heart that counts, right? I sent him a selfie-- more or less a headshot.

Pretty. Do u have a length pic.

I didn't respond to that. All day. He texted me that evening:

Going to the gym. I'm glad mon is over

I indicated I was as well.

I didn't get a length pic

Wanted to text "And you won't," but there's no need to be hostile, so I filibustered.

I don't have any

He's a problem-solver:

Just take one phones have cams I took one for u

As though we had agreed to do this. I sidestepped again.

I didn't ask you to take one, and I'm not good at long selfies

Seriously, dude -- if I'm willing to meet you with that face, you shouldn't be super picky.

Take a half selfie. I have no idea how tall u are or your body t ype. I came prepared.

And I'm prepared to stop texting with you.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Friday, May 22, 2015

Her not so perfect life

I had two friends who fell madly in love, were engaged in six weeks, got married young (24 & 25), had 3 kids, moved to the suburbs, bought a house, and had a perfect life.

After I read her joyous post about the gorgeous 15th anniversary gift he got her--a diamond eternity ring--I stopped following them on Facebook.

A few days ago, I saw his profile picture somewhere -- he joined a group or liked something. He was canoodling with a woman who was very definitely not his wife. I went to his page and learned that he had left her and their kids for a woman he met on vacation in the Dominican Republic. (He's no longer Orthodox, btdubs.)

I feel ashamed. I let my petty envy overshadow how kind she was to me. How much she loved me. How happy she was when I called her out of the blue and then friended her on Facebook years ago.

Recent pictures of her on Facebook show her smiling. I can't imagine the pain behind her smile. I might call her again one of these days.

(I know my brother-in-law did essentially the same thing, but my friend is sweet and beautiful, and my sister is a butt-ugly bitch.)
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Good for your brain, your heart, and your lady parts

For a while I was taking a probiotic supplement from ReNew Life called, very bluntly, "Ultimate Flora Vaginal Support." I tend to get a lot of UTIs, and I thought the supplements might stop that from happening.

After many UTI-free months, I stopped taking the supplements. Lately, I've been cranky and sad. I thought it was just work getting to me or the lack of a romantic life. But then I read about an interesting study that examined the impact of a multispecies probiotic on mood:

Compared to participants who received the placebo intervention, participants who received the 4-week multispecies probiotics intervention showed a significantly reduced overall cognitive reactivity to sad mood, which was largely accounted for by reduced rumination and aggressive thoughts.

That's the stuff.

I started looking for a probiotic supplement that contained all of the bacteria included in the study. And lo and behold, I found that all of them are in... the "Vaginal Support" supplement I used to take.

There's no guarantee that taking this supplement will improve my mood and functioning. But it's difficult to see how it will make things worse. There's also evidence that probiotics have a beneficial impact on blood pressure and serum cholesterol. While my blood pressure is low, my cholesterol is high and has been for quite some time, even though my diet is moderately low in cholesterol.

I think it's the stress and unhappiness increasing my cholesterol levels: cortisol thickens your blood in fight-or-flight mode so that you'll bleed less if you're wounded. Of course, my wounds are emotional, so the thicker blood is probably just building up the layers of plaque in my arteries. So if probiotics improve my mood, they might help lower my cholesterol.

So I'm adding probiotics back to my nightly medication cocktail, which also includes fish oil, vitamin D, and folic acid. Actually I'm out of folic acid, I better re-stock.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"