Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Getting started is the hardest part

One of the more annoying symptoms of depression, at least in my case, is a difficulty in getting started and a tendency to be easily frustrated by minor setbacks. This has proven abundantly true in trying to lose weight, which is an undertaking rife with minor setbacks.

After gaining a ton of weight during my last depressive episode nearly a year ago, I finally started trying to lose it and joined a gym -- only to injure my knees during a personal training session. They've been healing, and I've been cleared to return to the gym, but it's proving impossible to get myself there.

Part of the problem is the low-level anxiety I feel whenever leaving my apartment, which is characteristic of my mood -- slightly depressed -- at this point. I just feel more comfortable being home alone, not having to deal with people or to be looked at. But isolating myself is not healthy, and sitting at home is not going to help me lose any weight.

It's hard to explain how depression feels. Even mild depression makes every mood worse. I'm irritable, anxious, and very down on myself. I waver between considering myself the laziest person on earth and trying to cut myself too much slack. I get so angry over minor things -- I want to shove people on the subway who block me from leaving the car, I snap at my family at the slightest provocation, I resent friends of mine who seem to be having an easier time of things.

And I know that exercising will help my mood immensely. There are no medication changes that would be prudent at this point. It's all exercise. And I just have so much trouble pushing myself out the door.

I'm hoping that after school starts, I'll be more energized by the excitement of learning new things and having a new focus, and will start wanting to go to the gym more regularly.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

No comments:

Post a Comment