Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Getting the word out

I just heard back from the Jewish Week, one of the media to which I submitted the essay that makes up the first post on this blog. They're going to run it soon. I'm thrilled, since they have a tremendous reach. They usually don't allow anonymous submissions, but given the sensitive nature of the topic they're making an exception. (Of course, they also haven't suggested paying me.)

Naturally, the extroverted attention-seeker in me is a little disappointed that I'm doing all this anonymously. I'm craving recognition and acclaim.

This is not an aspect of myself that I'm proud of. At the Albert Ellis Institute I was administered the MCMI, a psychological test that measures personality and psychopathology. It's not supposed to be used as a diagnostic tool, and interestingly, my scores on the depression and mania subscales were unremarkable. Remarkable, however, was my score on the narcissism scale -- I wouldn't say it was off the charts, but it was pretty high.

Since I was a small child, I've always craved attention. I loved performing in plays and singing in concerts. I dreamed about being a Broadway star. I tried, fairly unsuccessfully, to be a class clown, but my sense of humor didn't fully develop until years after college.

Now it's something I'm known for -- and I still love being the center of attention. But like most things you want, the more you chase it, the more it slips away. Desperation isn't an attractive quality. Sometimes I wonder if being the funny girl is going to catch me the man of my dreams, or just drive him away.

A malevolent narcissist is another term for a psychopath. I like to joke that as a benevolent narcissist, I'm going to use my desire to be the center of attention for the betterment of society. I see myself writing articles and books as an expert in my field, and appearing on TV as a talking head.

And maybe someday, if I get married, I can talk and write about my personal experiences. That's what I want to do more than anything. Talk about surviving and struggling with the illness.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

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