Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The mean reds

You know those days when you get the mean reds.... The blues are because you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too long. You're sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly, you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Did you ever get that feeling?.... Well, when I get it, the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it. Nothing very bad could happen to you there.

Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's gives a great description of depressed anxiety. And like many people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety, she's come up with a way to cope: she goes to Tiffany's and looks in the window, drinking in the unattainable opulence, elegance, and peace.

When I get the mean reds -- when I'm frustrated about dating, apprehensive about school, miserable about my weight -- I have my own version of Tiffany's. I search online for wedding dresses.

Of course, because I'm orthodox, they have to be modest wedding dresses, and those aren't easy to find. Sleeves on wedding dresses are like teeth on chickens these days. Also, I love silk, which is expensive, but I'm not fabulously wealthy, so I try to find discounted or gently-used gowns; I can't envision spending $500 or more on a dress I'm going to wear once.

I save the dresses I like -- as well as modest bridesmaid gowns, flower girl dresses, veils, freshwater pearl tiaras (which I prefer to faux or glass pearls), discounted silk bridal shoes (there's that preference for natural fibers and bargains again...), inexpensive wedding invitations, bridal bouquets (so that when the time comes, I'll be choosing between specific configurations of calla lilies and roses), and potential locales -- in elaborate powerpoint presentations.

I'm not sure if I consider this a rather pathetic endeavor or an incredible expression of optimism. What I do know is that doing this soothes me. Looking at beautiful things can be a comfort, even if you never buy. And when a friend of mine recently got engaged, I had dozens of pictures of gorgeous engagement rings to send her.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

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