Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The grass isn't always greener

I recently sent my blog to an old friend from high school. She seemed to have her life in order; after a brief, abusive marriage, she married again and seemed to be living and reproducing happily. I envied her. Then I heard back from her:

Thanks for sending me the link to your blog. I still struggle to find mental well-being myself. I have been on Prozac for several years now, and to me it is a lifesaver (yes, literally -- I was suicidal when I started taking meds). I just want you to know (not that this will help) that marriage is not a panacea. My husband does not understand/appreciate/accept depression as a physiological illness, and the fact that I am so honest about my shortcomings makes me an easy scapegoat for all that bothers him in life. This morning he woke me up to tell me that he considers my treatment of him "abusive," he wonders why he stays in this marriage, and he will probably give up after our daughter's bat mitzvah.

I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me. As a matter of fact, he has said this before and although it hurts, it no longer shatters me. My point is only that inner peace, happiness, and well-being can only come from you and your perspective of God, because it sure as hell doesn't come from anyone else.

I was devastated. After her first matrimonial disaster, I was really happy to think that her second was blissful. I wrote back to express my concern, and fortunately, my concerns were somewhat unwarranted, as she responded:

Things are generally good in my marriage. My husband is a wonderful father, very good person, and, like most of us, complex. After I asserted my commitment to him again today, he is back in the game. It is like he needs to test me every once in a while, to hear me say out loud that I want to be married to him. Sigh. I could go on and on about what I have learned about his psychological makeup, but overall things are fine. Don't worry about me!

It just goes to show that you can't always tell what's going on inside a person. I never would have guessed that she's taking medication. But I'm glad that she felt comfortable telling me about it, and I know this will bring us closer together.

My mood is somewhat better today -- Dr. Cool gave me a prescription for a pretty good painkiller, so I'm not too uncomfortable. I am developing a very annoying absentmindedness, however. I've been losing small things -- a 3-ring binder, a bottle of chocolate syrup -- at school. I forget to put them in my bag when I leave the room, and when I come back a few days later, naturally they're gone. This was happening before I started the painkillers, so it's not a narcotic side effect. I suppose it's better that I lose small things that are easy to replace, but it's starting to irritate me. Feels like, if it weren't securely attached, I'd accidentally leave my head in the ladies' room.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. It's quite true, that you never know what's going on with a person. I think that most people (and this applies to myself as well) are so scared of what other people will think, how they will react, to show most others their true selves. We are afraid that people will judge us for our secrets.