Sunday, September 03, 2006

I wish I were a lesbian

Okay, maybe that's a little extreme. But I'm fed up with men. Especially men who are a lot older than I am, and yet still think they're entitled to date me.

I can't stand middle-aged men who write "young" or "youthful" in their self-descriptions. That's code for "I don't date women my own age." So I get a message from a guy on an ostensibly "frum" dating website who, incidentally, is not orthodox. In his profile he writes:

I'm a young, drug free, alcohol free, tobacco free, ex-wife free, child support free, community inolved, highly affectionate(!), down-to-earth, athletically fit, professional Jewish guy with a great sense of humor and a desire to get married to a "nice Jewish girl".

Being over 45, he's not "young" -- and he's more than 10 years older than I am; in my profile I state that 10 years is my upper limit. When he contacted me, mewling about how young he looked and how I should give him a chance, I sent him the website's standard rejection: "I read your profile, but I did not think that we would be a good match. Much success in your continued efforts."

This apparently rubbed him the wrong way, and he responded:

You're gonna have a very hard time with all of this, ma'am. If you had met in me in person, you would not be so dismissive.

The luck should be yours.

This rubbed me the wrong way. I was in no mood to tolerate his underhanded nastiness, and I fired off:

Dude. I don't care how young you think you look, you are still much older than I am. More importantly, you are not shomer shabbat and nowhere near being shomer shabbat. Can you read? I didn't put "Modern Orthodox - Liberal" on my profile as a decoration.

Obviously my rejection of you was far politer than you merit. It was inappropriate for you to email me in the first place, and your petulant rejoinder and bad wishes are just pathetic. Men who don't date women their own age need more than luck -- they need wisdom. You'd think someone your age would have acquired a little of it, but apparently not.

Then I blocked him so he can't bother me anymore.

This is not the first time that my polite rejection of someone has provoked a rant in response. I got a message from a man who lives on the West Coast, divorced wtih a kid, and lacking a bachelor's degree. I wasn't interested and sent the formulaic response. He responded:

Your reply message is noted that we would not make to you,a suitable match. I have no problem with this. Everyone is driven by different criteria and this does not even have to be expressed at this stage.

The one thing that I did get upset about is the speediness and callousness of your reply. It was within 2 minutes of me sending my message to you.

The ink had not even dried and I received this short stock reply . You say you are Frum and as a mitzvah you should gaurd yourself about being careful about hurting peoples feelings. I do not think I am being oversensitive but to write what I did even though there were mistakes was not intentional you would have made out the jist of my message.

In a nutshell falling a sleep took a little longer as I tried to assimilate in my mind what our world had come to and especially I was thinking about Frum people who blatantly are missing it . Now dont get upset now . This is the reality.

One has to be KIND no matter what . OR are you turned off totally by my LOOKS. WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE ????? WHY DONT YOU SHARE THIS AS AN ACT OF SENSITIVITY????

Now, I hate it when I write to someone and he never responds. But I've never been attacked for responding too quickly! I should have known better than to address this diatribe, but sometimes I'm awful slow for a smart chick. I wrote back:

I had seen your profile before and knew that I was not interested in you. I thought it was better to respond promptly rather than ignore your message completely. I am sorry if your feelings were hurt, but that was not my intention, and I think you're being a little sensitive. Dating involves a lot of rejection, some of it polite and some of it not so polite. People need to learn how to deal with it.

I don't know why I bother; this is what he spewed back at me:

Lets see if you really are smart and send me your password for your photograph. Then the rejection playing fields could or could not be levelled.

It has nothing to do with being oversensitive on my part. It is about rejecting politely and that should be your motto for life.THIS IS THE JEWISH WAY AND IT IS IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

So apparently the reply that the website considers polite is not only rude but breaks the Ten Commandments -- as does password-protecting your picture. Which commandment/s, I have no idea. [I've been password-protecting my picture to cut down on the number of inappropriate men -- too old, too uneducated, too chassidish, etc. -- visiting my profile again and again. Unfortunately, now that my voice profile is posted, the serial visitors are back.]

After that, he went on my rapidly lengthening block list. Is it any wonder I've had it with men? Problem is, I want to marry one and make some children with him. That lofty goal is seeming ever more remote and impossible.

It's enough to make me consider not responding to the incredibly inappropriate guys who write to me. Maybe their understanding of boundaries is so warped that they can't appreciate a polite rejection.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

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