Friday, September 22, 2006

Rosh Hashana thoughts

I should be studying -- I have hundreds of pages to read and outline -- but I'm still shaking with anger. Why? Because I went out to run some errands, picked up a few groceries, and then couldn't get the elevator to come to the lobby. I pushed the button a number of times, banged on the door, nothing. So I climbed up four flights (on my bad knees). On my floor I found the super's girlfriend mopping; she had the elevator stopped, open, on the floor.

I was furious and snapped at her that I needed the elevator; she just said, "This is how we always do it when we clean." I was so angry that I had trouble getting my keys into the lock, even dropped them a few times, before opening the door.

Clearly I've got a lot of anger in me right now, or I wouldn't have overreacted like that. Mainly because of the knee injury, but also because I'm fat (with no way to exercise), I'm lonely (with no real prospects of finding someone), and all my classmates seem to have either long-distance boyfriends or live-in boyfriends.

When I disclosed about my knee injury, a friend of mine in my class suggested prayer, which she has always found helpful. I said, "Right now, I feel like Gd hates me."

And I do. I know that's a terrible attitude to have, especially this time of year, when we're supposed to be reconciling with Gd. But I can't this year. I've got too much anger, bitterness, and resentment. I don't feel like I need to atone for my sins, such as they are. I feel like I need an answer for why I keep going out of my way for people and yet my needs are ignored. Or why everyone around me gets what they want without even trying, and I never do no matter how hard I try.

Of course, that's too blanket a statement. I do have good friends who go out of their way for me. But I'm so sick of being alone and having to worry about paying rent/tuition/other expenses, getting health insurance (and dealing with all the stupid bureaucratic crap they throw at you to prevent you from getting the coverage they're obligated to give you), doing my taxes, and so many other things that most of my married friends (and siblings, and cousins) don't ever have to worry about. I hate to admit it, but I want someone to take care of me. And there's no knight on the horizon riding in to rescue me.

Not to mention the fact that going without sex, closeness, tenderness, is killing me inside.

Another friend of mine suggested I read the Book of Job to gain some perspective. I know I need to work on my envy of others who have what I want. It's just so hard. I feel like Tantalus, the man in Greek mythology who had been privileged to eat and drink with the gods but then committed a heinous crime -- there are differing versions of his crime -- and was punished in the afterlife. He was immersed in a lake, but when he bent down to drink, the water receded. Luscious fruit hung above him, but if he reached for it, wind blew it out of his reach. (His name is the etymological root for the word "tantalize.")

That's how I feel, living here on the West Side. I see everyone else get engaged, get married, get pregnant. And it's all just out of my reach.

This year I've been wishing people joy, serenity, and fulfillment, because that's what I want. I hope some of them find that kind of happiness and peace. I just no longer believe I ever will.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. [sigh]

    Life isn't fair.

    (Doesn't mean we can't wish it was, though.)

    I hope that this year is full of good, happy, fulfilling things for you.