Sunday, November 26, 2006

I have to believe

Went to brunch with Bina and Asher, who were in town for the holiday, and some other friends. Some married, some not. I was sad to learn that one of them had just broken up with her boyfriend -- they looked so happy at Bina's wedding, I was certain they were next. She's getting a master's in psychology and was appalled to hear about the treatment I'm receiving at school.

I encouraged her to date men as young as she possibly can -- after I broke up with my last serious boyfriend, G.I. Josh (I'll call him that because he was extremely fond of knives, guns, war video games, and warlike fantasy games like D&D), I went out with a boy nine years my junior (and made out with him) BECAUSE I COULD. Bragging rights. No future, no prospect -- just the intoxicating feeling that a very young guy couldn't get enough of me. That's why I'm still considering the 25yo as a romantic prospect -- even though we never seem to progress from IMs to Starbucks coffee date.

Bina is really happy, and so is Asher. It's beautiful to see, because they're both older than I am. So there is hope for me -- I have to believe that. I can't end up like that poor woman with the 10 cans of dog food and box of day-old danish.

I also spent some time today with my friend Chaya. She is convinced that the right guy is out there for me -- even thinks that Little Marty could come around. (I don't share her optimism there, but theoretically anything is possible.)

She wants me to believe, and honestly, I have nothing to lose by believing. Optimists, as I've mentioned, are healthier than pessimists -- even when they're wrong. People who perceive they have ample social support, even if they don't have it, do just as well as people who perceive and actually have social support -- and do better than people who have social support and don't make use of it.

I need to reach out to as many people as possible to feel validated. I can't rely on Little Marty's here today, gone tomorrow love. I need to spend as much time as I can with my nieces and nephews, and with Tikva. Because by caring for other people's children, I am preparing to care for my own. And I will have my own. I need to believe that.

Tonight, while searching for stamps in my phenomenally messy home -- I need to mail one application before December 13 -- I also unearthed a letter that RD-SOB wrote me about two years ago:

Ayelet, I don't know if this helps or hurts but you should know that your absence is not easy for me. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone as similar to me as you are. But I do know that I'm not ready for an LTR/marriage right now.

I wish we could still be friends in the meanwhile, as I believe we're both lonely now and could use a friend to confide in. You will always be on my mind.

Phooey. What an idiot, is the thought that strikes me. If I'm perfect for you, then get over your stupid attitude and grab me! Love me, marry me! I will not make you miserable the way your first wife did, and I'm the best stepmother your children could ever have.

Why do I always find myself in these situations? Why did I even bother getting to know Little Marty -- why didn't I run the minute I found out that the ink on his get isn't quite dry?
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I think that you didn't run from Little Marty because of what you said in your last post--you want to live in the moment, to enjoy what happiness you can grab while it's there for the taking. And true, it may make the ache in its absence greater for a time, but that's the price you pay.

    I sincerely hope and believe that you will find the right man for you--he's out there somewhere, and you're just too good for him to pass up! But you know men--they have issues asking for directions. He'll find his way to you somehow, someday.

  2. Hang in there, Ayelet. I know it's not easy but after reading your prior post I wanted to tell you that while I sympathize with your 'carpe diem' approach I also think you won't ultimately won't be satisfied with the crumbs of intimacy Little Marty is throwing your way.
    As a prior poster said, try and live in the present, and hope for the future.