Friday, December 08, 2006

At least Dr. R's on my side

Never heard back yesterday from my rabbi. This morning I spoke with him briefly, and he'll call back later. I hope the university administration takes an interest in my case.

I did finally call Dr. R, as former professors and family members have urged me to do. I thought I was handling the crisis as best I could -- and turns out, he does too. I'm seeing him in a week and a half, and he thinks I'm doing as well as can be expected. He also believes that if the faculty hadn't been given my blog, they would have found another pretext to nail me to the wall.

I expressed this to a former professor of mine from my master's program, who attended my school and whom I've been keeping in the loop. She wrote me recently:

This is obviously a very serious situation with some potentially far-reaching effects. Dr. Dragon's letter indicates that another meeting between you and the faculty was scheduled for earlier today, so the crucial decisions may already have been made; but at the risk of sounding repetitive I urge you to discuss everything in detail with your therapist, even if extra sessions are required. You didn't explicitly ask for my opinion, but I assume that sending me the letters was, at least, an implicit invitation to give it. In any case, I'm truly sorry about this turn of events.

I wrote back:

Actually, I've spoken with my psychiatrist. He thinks I'm handling this crisis as well as can be expected; he knew that the faculty has been after me almost since the beginning (in Dr. Jerk's case, since the beginning), and that I'm coping as best as I can.

I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me for breaking the rules Dr. Jerk set. I do not believe my actions make me an unethical or unprofessional person. In my view, he and the rest of the faculty are as egregiously unprofessional, if not more so. I never had any trouble like this as an undergraduate or master's student, even with professors who didn't like me. The abuse and harassment I have received at this program obviously compromised my judgment; an article Dr. Jerk gave us to read about stress and coping noted research that showed people making bad, impulsive judgments when under severe stress. Perhaps that's what happened to me; as a person with bipolar disorder, I have to work 15 times as hard as a normal person not to crumble under stress.

Nevertheless, I still believe that I have a contribution to make to this field, as a clinician. I am re-applying to several schools. I'll re-take the GRE. And I'll keep re-applying until I get in somewhere.

Unfortunately I forgot to tell her I didn't attend that meeting because I hadn't yet lined up someone to represent me, which was probably more important for her to know than my little show of courage and bravado; I had to send her a P.S.

I also wrote to Dr. CT, my cognitive therapy prof. If she's going to write me references, she needs to submit one of the forms by next Wednesday; if not, I have to find someone else.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. I think you have been handling this as well as could be expected!

    But the question is whether, once the 'crisis' is resolved, you might want extra sessions with your therapist to deal with the 'post-traumatic stress'. You are holding yourself together to get through this, but you could need extra support in the coming months as you assess and plot your next steps. I'm not suggesting you will crumble, but you have been through a lot! Just something to think about in the coming weeks--obviously you have more immediate concerns.