Saturday, December 09, 2006

Close Every Door

I've been thinking about that Andrew Lloyd Webber song tonight, as I wrote up a description of Fran's son's bar mitzvah for friends in Israel who couldn't attend, washed the dishes from Shabbos, and listened to a voicemail Dr. CT left me. She doesn't feel she could write a recommendation for me that doesn't mention my entire school debacle, even though my performance in her class was excellent.

Scratch her off the list. I've written Dr. Stats to see if he feels the same way; I don't know how he'll respond.

Have I destroyed my psychology chances? Is this the end of the road, as far as this career path goes? Will I ever be Dr. Survivor?

Fortunately, Shabbat was very nice, a little respite from my miserable school sitation. Little Marty had to work on the Upper West Side motzei shabbat, so he stayed by me. I cooked for him, and he liked everything I made, which was something. Today we went to the bar mitzvah together, which was lovely.

But last night we had a serious conversation, one which I hadn't wanted to have. It hurts so much to hear him tell me how wonderful I am, but that he just doesn't want to be restricted at this time in his life -- he's too gun-shy. I also think he's not quite over a girl he was seeing toward the end of his marriage and right after he left his wife -- she dropped him without explanation, and he's still hung up on her.

He has so much less to lose than I do. He's younger, more resilient. He already has a child. He can fall in love with me and walk away. I can't do that, and it's getting harder and harder to deny myself the luxury and comfort of loving him.

So I feel, ultimately, very alone. That's why I'm thinking about "Close Every Door." I feel like I've fallen to a depth that I can't pick myself up out of; all doors are closed to me, and I'm lost in darkness.

Close every door to me,
Hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows
And shut out the light
Do what you want with me,
Hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime
And torture my night.

And yet, I'm somehow optimistic. I don't know why. I'm not often an optimistic person, but I haven't given up hope that despite the fine mess I've gotten myself into, somehow there will be a positive resolution:

Children of Israel
Are never alone
For we know we shall find
Our own peace of mind
For we have been promised
A land of our own.

Substitute "career" for "land," and that's how I feel. I have a sense of destiny. There are things I am meant to accomplish, and there are evil forces trying to thwart me. I cannot let them win.

For the record, I'd like to remind everyone that I am not and never have been psychotic. I don't have delusions of persecution -- I don't think the CIA or Al Qaeda or the Vatican are trying to keep me from reaching my goals. But I do believe there are forces of evil in the universe, and they have been attacking me since childhood. I've had to overcome more obstacles than almost anyone I know -- physical ailments, bipolar disorder, financial anxiety, bad luck, bad decisions, trusting too many of the wrong people.

For a long time I've been thinking I'm an unlucky person -- that bad things happen to me as a matter of course, and always will, no matter how good I try to be.

I'm going to try to see things another way. For some reason, I've been set more than the usual number of challenges to overcome. If I were really egocentric, I'd compare myself to Abraham, who faced ten challenges of increasing difficulty -- including, ultimately, the order to sacrifice his beloved son. Such was his trust in Gd that he was ready to obey that dread command. But he was spared -- because he believed.

It's all about bitachon. If I don't have that, if I don't hold onto that, I'll never make it through this.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Brilliant post, love. I'm sorry that you're beset with difficulties on every side, but optimism and faith will win out.

    "Even if 1,000 fall from your [left] side, and 10,000 from your right, they won't draw close to you. Just look with your eyes, and you'll see the recompense of the wicked."

    It doesn't just say "Look with your eyes..." It says "Look IN your eyes..."

    With you as best as I can be - carmen

  2. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope that things are going alright...