Sunday, December 24, 2006

Easier said than done

I miss Little Marty. Tremendously. Probably it's worse because my academic life is completely up in the air, so I feel bereft of everything, but oh, I miss him. And the worst thing is knowing that I chose to be even more lonely than I normally am. I could call him, and pretend I didn't resolve to give him up, and I'd be with him again.

But only temporarily. What I'm feeling now was inevitable, sooner or later. I was always going to lose him. At least this way it's on my terms.

That doesn't make it easier, though. I'm almost in tears with wanting him to hold me, just hold me. To feel his lean, strong chest and arms, his curly hair, which always smells so wonderful to me, musky wax.

I am sure I was this miserable after G.I. Josh and I parted ways, and for months afterward I missed him sorely. I'm just so sick of going through this! I can't stand breaking up and being alone again. And yet I have to stand it; I have no choice.

When Mazal blessed me, she said I should find my shidduch with great simcha, happiness. I want her to be right. I want to be happy and loved, and to love. If I have to suffer to get there, it w ill be worth it. I'm just afraid that I'll go through the suffering, try, pray, get my hopes up -- and not get there.

I've been trying to get mad at Little Marty, which might help me put him out of my mind sooner, but it's not easy. Even though I know that while I'm suffering, he's perfectly happy. He's hanging out with his daughter this weekend; he hasn't given me a second thought. He hasn't called in days -- he's obviously not missing me at all, despite how "spectacular" (his word) I am.

If he doesn't miss me, and yearn for me, he doesn't deserve me.

I just wish that saying that, and reading it over and over, could make me believe it. But it doesn't. I'm over 30 -- shouldn't I know by now that a man who doesn't want me isn't worth having, or wanting?
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Just because you know something intellectually doesn't mean that it's not hard to accept. Your heart can still ache, even though you know you're doing the right thing.

    Hatzlacha rabba, and I hope that Ruchama's blessing comes true very soon!