Sunday, December 03, 2006

Gd will gather me in

One of the few good things about hiding my blog from the world is, I get to invite people to view it -- and if I don't invite them, they can't. This includes my mother.

Since she can no longer read my blog, she's been calling me more, and I've had to hang up on her a few times. She is not an optimist, and feels obligated to point out the worst-case scenarios to me. Repeatedly. And I'm just not in need of a nattering nabob of negativity right now. I need to stay positive, or I'll never survive this witch hunt.

I tried to explain that to her this morning, and she persisted in being negative. I don't think I'm being unrealistic by staying positive, but she kept trying to rein me in. Maybe she thinks I'm getting hypomanic again, and feels she needs to intervene before I self-destruct.

But right now I'm extremely clear, and while I'm angry, I'm fairly calm. I'm appealing to a higher authority, and I'm trying to put my trust in my rabbi and, by extension, Gd.

I tried to explain to my mother why I want my transcript to reflect incompletes for Dr. Jerk's courses -- I don't want F's on my record, and I don't think he'd give me a decent grade at this point. If I don't finish the course requirements, it's logical for an incomplete to be granted. Schools I'm applying to will be told that Dr. Jerk refused to give me extra time to finish my requirements after an injury, and that I will be finishing the requirements during the current semester.

She doesn't get it. After I hung up on her, she sent me this:

What's your objective? Certainly you want to have a positive outlook, but you have to have a strategic plan. Hoping for the best is not enough. Thinking that some higher-ups will see it 100% your way is not realistic. At best, a compromise will have to be reached.

[I don't have to compromise if I have the backing of the university administration.]

You have to acknowledge that you did not adhere to the requirements of the course. The readers of your blog, including me, failed you in that they did not alert you to the possible consequences of your acts. What does an incomplete mean? It's my understanding that if it's incomplete, it needs to be completed. And it needs to be completed for the person for whom it was incomplete.

[It's not REALLY incomplete. It's just incomplete as far as the other schools I'm applying to are concerned.]

You have to assess your position and know your adversary. That other courses were run differently doesn't matter. The professor for this course set up his course his way. That accommodations weren't made for a disability is unfortunate, but that was the reality in this case. The professor is very angry, and he wants to win. Not only did you defy him, but you embarrassed him and called into question the way he set up his course requirements.

[True dat. And he deserved it.]

What is the best outcome you can expect? They will not cave in to your wishes even though they did not do right by you. Don't let your conflicts or separation issues with me get in the way of looking at what you're facing in this instance. Assess the situation as realistically as you can. And see how you can reach an acceptable resolution. You will have to make restitution for not complying with the course requirements.

[Not if I transfer to another school, which is what I'm hoping to do. And thanks for throwing in the pop psychology, Dr. Mom. You're still not entitled to hide my IQ score, but that has nothing to do with the current situation.]

I've been thinking about bitachon, trust in Gd, a lot lately. My situation has gotten so bad, I have to trust that something or someone will help me. Maybe I'm putting too much confidence in my rabbi, but he wields a fair amount of influence. I have to believe that Gd will not let disaster overtake me. I know that injustices take place every day in this imperfect world, but I can't give up hoping that this time I won't be punished again.

I'm reminded of Psalm 27:

Though a host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war should rise up against me, even then will I be confident....

For though my father and my mother have forsaken me, Gd will gather me in....

Trust in Gd; be strong and of good courage, and trust in Gd.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Well, your mother isn't winning the Little Miss Sunshine pageant this year, that's for sure. I think it is reasonable for you to be trying as hard as possible to stay optimistic.