Friday, December 29, 2006

Ray of hope

My rabbi has engaged the university's student advocate person, who is a friend of his -- and not directly involved with the psychology department. So that's a breath of good news. Hopefully he'll take my side against them and get them to seal my records.

Spoke on the phone with Little Marty last night for more than an hour. I started by asking if there was anything he wanted to tell me, since he'd seemed very distant lately.

"Nope. Nothing the matter."

"If you want to stop seeing me or slow things down... just tell me."

"Nope. I've been busy," he noted pleasantly.

"I know all guys hate to talk about their feelings, but I just want to know what's going on," I said.

"I think I've mentioned this before, but you should know I'm not like most guys." But he didn't say that he WANTS to see me, or try to make plans to. Grr.

And yet I can't tell him about my new chastity kick. I guess I'm afraid he'd greet the news with barely concealed relief or perfect equanimity. I would want the news to hit him hard, since it was a difficult decision for me to make.

And yet -- his indifference should help me wash him out of my hair, shouldn't it? Because he's definitely more distant than he has been. Even though he denies it.

Matt also called last night -- I was kind of surprised, since he'd promised to call the night after we more recently spoke, and since weeks went between that call and the one before it.

And I didn't tell him about my vow of chastity either. I don't want to think that I'm leading him on, but when he talks about visiting me, or maybe letting me into his heart, I don't disabuse him of the notion. Maybe because I kind of doubt it's ever going to happen. I mean, I don't intend to get involved with an alcoholic who's not interested in recovery. Also, he's not exactly a fast mover, so by the time he actually tries to do anything, I could conceivably be busy.

Since there's nothing else really going on in my life, I guess I still appreciate the attention.

He has found a new job, which he seems to like a lot and has potential for advancement. But he still comes home every night and sits alone, drinking. I could hear him pouring as we spoke.

"What's that you're pouring?" I asked him.

"Vodka."

I hate to think how much of a bottle he can kill in an evening. And he doesn't want to stop drinking. It's the only way he believes he can deal with his life. He's been to AA, but apparently it hasn't taken.

Like all substance abusers, he drinks to avoid having to deal with aversive mood states. And yet he refuses to see that he is depressed. Even though I made him cry, when we were talking about his right to be happy. He seems to think that because he's not an impoverished beggar, he can't really expect any more happiness from life, and I insisted he could -- and he wept.

"You deserve to be happy. And yet you come home every night and get drunk," I reminded him.

"That's so I can fall asleep and get up and go to work the next day. I'm not depressed!"

I should have told him insomnia is a symptom of depression. I'm just not getting through to him.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Matt has to first see that he has a problem.. that's the only way any change will happen. But you obviously know that. You can't save the world, or people who don't want to be saved. And you know that too. Just be there for him.

    As far as the chastity thing, I know it's hard (been there), but you have rightly decided that it is not healthy to be physically involved with someone who is not emotionally available for you. When you meet th right person, you can decide if chastity can be set aside.

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