Sunday, December 17, 2006

Rock bottom

I've hit dating rock bottom. Between the confusion I feel over my liaison with Little Marty, and my anger at the Very Young Guy for acting just like every other superficial guy I ever got too physically involved with too soon, I decided I can't take any more of this, and I'm seeking divine intervention.

Enter Western Wall Prayers. They offer to pray for you for 40 days at the Kotel, and supposedly you'll be answered in the affirmative.

It's not cheap -- $90 for my name to be mentioned in a group of other names of people wishing for the same thing. It would have cost me $360 for an "exclusive" prayer and a psalm recited by an entire yeshiva.

Part of me thinks that if I wasn't deserving of happiness before shelling out $90, why should the prayers of a stranger elevate me to that level? And part of me thinks that just like all the other things I've done to get a shidduch -- wear the kallah's engagement ring while she's under the chuppah, drink from her wineglass at sheva brachot, take a piece of the shattered plate after tenayim, make a big donation to hachnassat kallah, etc. -- there's no way that this is going to help me, either.

But -- I needed to give tzedaka, and I might as well try to get a return on my investment. I guess another part of me is hoping beyond hope that Little Marty will come to his senses and let himself fall in love with me.

It's funny -- on paper, LM is not at all what I'm looking for. He doesn't have a steady job or advanced degree, and he certainly couldn't afford to buy me any of the engagement rings I've spent more than a decade longing for (my tastes have changed over the years, of course). I like him -- or maybe more -- because of who he is, because he understands me and we get along so well together. We are so compatible in so many ways -- ARGH! I sound like a lovesick teenager.

This is my prayer, which I send out along with my shaliach in Israel: I want to meet someone who will love and respect me, whom I can love and respect, and start a family with him. I've watched it happen to so many others -- including children whom I babysat for, who are now parents of their own children. IT'S MY TURN. I've had enough suffering to last me a lifetime. I deserve my fair share of joy and satisfaction -- not fleeting fragments of happiness, but real contentment that I can comfortably reside in.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"

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