Saturday, December 23, 2006

Spiritual renewal and a pre new-year's resolution

Went to Eric and Ahuva for Friday night dinner again, and it was much nicer. No nasty Republicans at the table -- just several lovely women of a certain age.

Why are there so many terrific single women in their thirties and over? It's mind-boggling.

One of the women, Mazal, is Sephardic and very spiritual. She interpreted a troubling dream I'd recently had -- in a very positive way.

At the table was a psychologist who is studying psychoanalysis. As I've said before, I'm not a big fan of analysts, but I think they're quite good at interpreting dreams, and I'd had a doozy: I dreamed my teeth were loose and falling out.

The psychologist didn't have much to say about my dream, but Mazal jumped in. She said, "You're going to lose all your bad thoughts, fears, and actions."

Impressive. And a very positive spin on a very disturbing dream. So I decided to act on it -- to let go of my anger and my negative actions, as much as I can.

And that means no more messing around with Little Marty.

I knew this day would come. I knew that getting too close to him would just derail me from my ultimate goal, which is marriage and children. He can't give me that, at least not right now. So I need to stop my physical intimacy with him.

I hope that doesn't mean we can't still be friends. He has been an amazing support for me during these very trying weeks. But our physical relationship is wrong. There's no halachic justification for it; it's just assur. And if I want to be worthy of finding my zivug, I have to give up the temporary pleasure and physical comfort he offers me.

Mazal is going to daven for me, and I'm going to daven for her. Along with the person who's davening for me these 40 days at the Kotel. And I have to believe that our prayers will be answered in a way that makes me truly happy.

The westernwallprayers folks advised me to say Psalm 32 every day while a stranger prays for me at the Kotel. Don't ask me how, but surfing online I also found this: a group of tehillim, including #32, that will ensure my soul will find its "true destined pathway without being interfered with or side-tracked by other people" and I will receive guidance to be in the right place with the right destined soul mate, livelihood and true purpose in life." Right now, I need all of that.

Part of me doubts that my prayers will be answered -- I've been praying for years, and others have been praying on my behalf, but the answer has not been affirmative. Also, during the Holocaust and so many other times of strife for the Jews, I am certain that people much more deserving than I were praying with much more kavannah, and their prayers did not save them.

But -- I need hope, and right now it seems that faith is the only way for me to achieve it. And I'm going to try my hardest to really mean it when I pray.

So last night was really beautiful, and today was also very good. I went to shul with Alona, Adir, and their small daughter, Batya, who calls me Aunt Ayelet. Unfortunately, I made Batya cry, but in a somewhat positive way: she was eating a jelly donut (usually the synagogue kiddush doesn't run to donuts, but it was still Chanuka) and wiping the jelly on her father.

"Batya, no," I said sternly, taking her hands and wiping them with a napkin. "Wipe your hands on a napkin, not on Daddy."

Her beautiful blue eyes filled with tears, and she began to wail. I felt terrible, but I'm a very strict aunt, with Batya, Tikva, and my own nieces and nephews. If they act up, I don't indulge them -- I let them know it's not appropriate. I think Alona was actually more or less appreciative -- jelly stains!

A little club soda got the jelly out of Adir's shirt, and Batya recovered from her distress. By the time lunch rolled around, I was waving around a little wand Batya was carrying in her pocketbook, singing "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" from Cinderella, and she was giggling and happy again.

I also asked Eric for the name of an attorney who could help me put the fear of Gd into the horrible faculty at my soon-to-be-former school. I don't want to sue them, but I want at least a partial tuition refund and I want my records sealed. If they don't seal my records, I may never get into another clinical psychology doctoral program -- and that could mean a loss of income of at least $60,000 times 30 years. That's about $2 million.

And I wouldn't just sue the school -- I would sue Dr. Jerk, Dr. Dragon, Dr. Octopussy, Dr. Freud, and the control-freaky T.A. for harassment, creating a hostile educational environment, slander, and discrimination against a person with a disability. I don't think they want to risk that kind of personal indemnity, not to mention the bad publicity, if it came to an actual lawsuit.

Hopefully the lawyer will write them a really nasty letter -- in exchange for a lot of babysitting; he and his wife have two small children -- that will just make the evil faculty seal my records and refund me some cash.
Copyright (c) 2006 "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. A decent lawyer should help put the fear of G-d into them. I wish it didn't have to come to that, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes. What the faculty at your school have done to you is inexcusable.

  2. P.S. I'm glad you had such a nice Shabbos. :)