Friday, January 12, 2007

Getting reoriented

My DSL bugged out abruptly Monday evening, and won't be back until next Monday. So I'm warily blogging from a computer on campus. Warily because blogging from an on-campus computer got me in trouble at my old school. But my new school is located on a small university campus, where all the buildings -- undergrad, grad, and professional -- are fairly close together. So this blog could be written by a cranky sophomore or a law student. Theoretically.

Social work orientation has been going on all week. We've been through introductions to the university computer system, library, and health services -- which are FAR AND AWAY so much better than those at my stupid old school. Not to mention much cheaper. If I could drop that insurance and sign up for the other school's health plan, I would. Just goes to show that if a school really cares about its students' well-being, it makes reasonable health care provisions for them. There is nothing reasonable about my old school.

I am happy to note that I am far from the oldest person in my class. There are two men and a woman in their 50s, plenty of 40somethings, a batch of 30somethings (including me), and the requisite just-out-of-college 20somethings. But I'm not the oldest, and that's a good feeling.

We had a full day of multicultural awareness programs. Most of it was kind of boring, but one part shook me. We were standing in a circle, and the facilitator asked us to step into the circle if we identified as: an oldest child, a youngest child, a person of color, gay/lesbian, married, etc. And then he said, "Step into the circle if you identify as disabled."

Clive, a British chap in his fifties who's studying in this program to recertify, since he was a qualified social worker in England, stepped into the circle; last night at the happy hour, he told a bunch of us that he has dyslexia.

And I... couldn't move. I do identify as disabled -- and I've felt horribly disabled this week. It's been harder and harder to get up in the morning. It's hitting me that I am not going to be a psychologist, I'm going to be a social worker. And that just doesn't seem enough to me. I feel like I've given up, almost.

Which is ridiculous, and I'm sure as soon as I start classes I'll feel more challenged and invigorated. But right now, I've lost a dream, and I haven't fully mourned it. And that makes it extremely difficult for me to function.

And I am still not ready to live my life as an openly bipolar woman. I don't think anyone in the program would judge me -- but after what happened at my last school, I'm gun-shy. The professors found out about my disorder, and they still tried to crucify me. The folks at this school can't possibly be as or more evil -- they'd report to Lucifer if they were -- but I'm still not ready to have that label slapped on me.
Copyright (c) 2007 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. You don't have to bury your goal of being a psychologist, just set it aside for now. Perhaps an MSW is just a small detour. Or perhaps in the long run it will be even more fulfilling. Take it one day, one step, at a time.

    And your caution about sharing bipolar is understandable, after all you have been through over the past year. Considering that the other school didn't even think of a physically injury as a disability, they certainly weren't going to respect a mental disability.