Monday, January 22, 2007

The most depressing day of the year

Two years ago, a Welsh psychologist began calculating the worst day of the year. This year it's today. No wonder I couldn't get out of bed this morning.

I was supposed to go to field education training, but I couldn't face it. And I was a terrible aunt this past weekend at my sister's. I wanted to read, to watch TV -- anything but actually talking and playing with the kids.

It is so hard to write this. I am depressed. So I'm feeling extra guilty about skipping training. I'm sure I can make it up -- and I got a message that my field placement has actually been made. Third time's the charm.

My friends were worried about me this weekend -- I hadn't told them I was going away. They called each other, then me -- four times. One even stopped by my empty apartment. By the time I called them on Sunday, they were tremendously relieved. It was almost funny.

I'm not in danger. But I'm almost paralyzed. I feel so low. I don't know if it's missing Little Marty or being disappointed at my demotion from psychologist to social worker. Or both. And there's nothing I can do. I'm taking my meds, I've started taking flaxseed oil supplements again, and I'm even getting some exercise.

But I'm just having so much trouble getting up in the morning, and that's always a symptom of depression for me. When you're depressed, routine things like getting up, washing up, getting dressed are just too difficult and complicated. Even though you've done them a million times before.

Not that I have trouble waking up. I wake up repeatedly, in fact. Early morning waking, as I've written before, is one of my least favorite symptoms of depression. And lately I've got it in spades again.

But today I couldn't face dealing with school. I just couldn't, not after a weekend with the family. I think it will be a while before I go back to the kids -- I need to spend so much time alone on the weekends that I WANT to go to school.
Copyright (c) 2007 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie, I am so sorry you feel so low. Please try and reach out to the many friends and family who love and care about you.