Monday, February 26, 2007

More insurance bullshit

Sorry to be crude, but there's no other word for it.

When I signed up for my incredibly overpriced insurance at The Bad Place, they told me that my prescription limit was $750 for the year. I asked and was told that the $750 referred to my co-pays, $30 for brand-name and $15 for generic medication.

Today I went to fill a prescription and was surprised to see it cost 4 times as much as it had last month. And when I called my insurance company, breathing heavily with anger, they told me, sorry, the $750 refers to the total cost of prescriptions -- not the co-pays.

What the hell? How can any insurance company with half a conscience charge more than $5000 for a year's coverage and then give a measly $750 worth of medication???? Also, it makes no sense. The medications I take are EXPENSIVE. I'm quite sure they cost more than $750 about 3 months into this coverage. So it can't be true. But there's no way I can prove I was lied to and sue them alleging fraud. Again, I am out MORE money.

More to the point, how can any grad school with a conscience provide such crappy insurance? The insurance that my new school is forcing me to take is better; they provide prescriptions and a whole lot more for a whole lot less money. And The Bad Place is affiliated with a fucking medical school. There's no excuse for the crappy insurance option they provide their students.

I just feel fucked in the ass. Again. I am furious and sick beyond sick of everything in my life going wrong. I even contemplated suicide, but I don't have enough prescription meds left that are actually toxic enough to overdose on. I would have had to buy and consume a large bottle of tylenol PM -- that would fry my liver, no joke. That would do for me.

I realize this train of thought may seem scary to those of you who have never been morbidly depressed and suicidal, but I've been thinking about dying or killing myself for almost my entire life. As a little kid, driving in the car with my mom, I would see other cars coming toward us and imagine that they would smash into us. That's a preadolescent death wish. At these extremely frustrating times, suicide is something I have to fight against, like alcoholics have to fight not to pick up a bottle.

I actually had to think about how unhappy my family would be if I actually acted on this impulse, and that helped me calm down a little.

But I can't live the rest of my life for other people. And I'm really starting to fear that I'm just not cut out to be a social worker. I don't want to have to worry about the client's environment -- I just want to focus on the pathology. But social workers focus on STRENGTHS, not deficits.

I am so not into focusing on strengths right now. I know I should be thinking positively, but I'm absolutely sick of it. Of life. Of everything.

And I really don't want to talk about it. To anyone (this means YOU, Mom; if you call after reading this, I'm taking you off the private readership). But I had to get it out. Because at some point I'll calm down and wonder why I got so infuriated about being let down AGAIN by my rotten luck, my shitty life. I just don't have that perspective right now.
Copyright (c) 2007 "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. That seriously sucks. I'm so sorry. :(


    I'm glad you're fighting the suicidal urges, even if only for the sake of other people in your life. I can relate.

  2. Whoa-- an insurance company screwing someone over? What a shock.

    It's all about risk. Most people don't require so many and such expensive meds. You're obviously an outlier there. So you get to bear the brunt of the risk. Sorry things are down for you.

    Remember my suggestion to you regarding the meds? Let me know if there's anything I can do.

  3. Don't take everything so personally! From a more dispassionate perspective, you haven't been screwed; our entire health care system is screwy. That is not news. The insurance company did not say "hey, lets set a benefit level that will really mess up Ayelet's finances." The Bad Place didn't even set out to give lousy health care coverage. They probably tried to provide minimal, catastrophic care insurance. Most people your age aren't on any prescription meds, so they probably did not realize how short-sighted this benefit cutoff is.

    This may seem like strange advice to give someone who is depressed, but I have been there too. It is not all about you to anyone else. Only YOU think it is all about you. So stop thinking that way, and step up to your responsibility to be one member of the human race who makes things better inch by inch, step by step, rather than expecting life to deliver you roses.

    Sorry if this seems harsh. I am only saying this because I know you and care about you and know that you still have much to contribute to this world. Let Gd decide when your life is complete. I think you have much left to do.

    Your old HS bud

    P.S. call anytime if you need someone to keep your hand off the pill bottle. I mean it!!

  4. You haven't written in a week. Are you okay? Fill us in.

    HS bud