Saturday, April 28, 2007

It's getting better

Today, for the first time since January, I left my apartment on Shabbat. First I went to Alona and Adir's apartment, since they live a few blocks away. Alona was thrilled to see me, especially since she stopped by last week and knocked on my door, waking me out of an unpleasant dream. I wasn't up for going out that day and was rather gruff with her.

But this morning, while lying in bed reading about Gestalt therapy for a school assignment, I felt like going out. Just like that, I was ready.

Not ready to go to shul and walk through the meet market, but I spent time with Alona and Adir, then went with Alona and Batya to the park. Then I went to visit a friend of mine who's been coping with a lot of recent losses and traumas. Her father-in-law died about a year ago. Her only daughter moved to Israel. Her mother died erev Rosh Hashana. She sold her business and started working for the new owners as a consultant and has a much longer commute. So she's been overwhelmed and unhappy.

But -- when I arrived she was on her way to a Pirkei Avot study group, and asked me to come with her. I went, and had a rough time of it. All of the other ladies knew each other, and I felt very much the odd girl out. But I stuck with it, even though a huge part of me wanted to just go home. I knew that eventually they would pay at least some attention to me, and they did.

Mrs. Mutter was there, however, and she upsets me, even though it's petty. Bina and I went to her home for a meal on Rosh Hashana, because the friend who had invited me had just lost her mother (see above). The family was delighted to be part of Bina's shabbos kallah, and told me that I should call them to invite myself over for a shabbos meal after the chagim.

Well, I did. Several times. And they were never able to have me, so I stopped calling. And when they saw me in shul, they always seemed a little distant.

Today I told her that Bina is expecting, and she was delighted. And I felt that she liked Bina better than me -- that if she liked me, she would have returned one of my phone calls and tried to invite me over. I couldn't help it; I felt resentful. Then she told an amusing anecdote about some Shabbos guests who overstayed their welcome. And all I could think was, "Just what does a person have to do to get invited to your house?"

Not my finest moment. But I coped with it, and tolerated the discomfort.
Copyright (c) 2007 "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad to hear that you were feeling up to getting out and about on Shabbos. :)