Monday, June 18, 2007

What the $#@-% ?

So I got together with the Knight again last night. We had pizza, and I said we should talk about what happened last Thursday.

"Nothing to talk about," he said.

"Are you sure?" I asked. He was sure. He was just happy to be there with me.

So we got "together" again. And then he started drifting away. He said he wasn't sure he could see us working as a couple.

"Why not?" I asked.

"For one thing, because I don't know what your medical issue is," he said. "You know, whatever it is, you can tell me."

So I did. And he doesn't care. He doesn't think any differently of me, knowing that I have a mood disorder. Small comfort.

Then he said his parents might have a problem with our age difference. "I asked you about that when you first contacted me," I said.

He didn't really have an answer, and changed the subject. He's going to be very busy in the upcoming weeks; he won't be able to see me as often. He's facing a kind of spiritual career crisis: even though he's an engineer and just signed a lease in Brooklyn, he thinks he should become a rabbi and live in Israel. (For the record, I do not want to marry a rabbi, and I don't want to live in Israel unless Mashiach gets there first.)

We really should stop doing what we just did, given his uncertainty about our long-term chances. (This was something he could have told me before we fooled around -- I totally gave him an opening, over pizza, and he didn't take it.)

He loves me very much, and he knows that if we got married we'd be happy, but he still doesn't know if that would be the right thing to do.

Excuse me?

I spent all of today completely baffled. I don't know if we're even still dating. I know we're not dating exclusively, because he said he couldn't ask that of me. How the hell can he "love" me after only a month?! Do I even like him enough to be agonizing in all this confusion? Should I just cut my losses and have nothing more to do with him?

Most importantly, how did I end up here? When he contacted me, I was wary because of the age difference; he allayed my fears. I waited a whole month before getting physically involved with him; for me, that's a record of Olympic proportions. And yet I'm no closer to getting married than I was before I met him.

Before he left last night, he took my hand and asked me to promise we'd always be friends. "I can't promise you that," I told him. "I'm not friends with most of my ex-boyfriends."
Copyright (c) 2007 "Ayelet Survivor"

No comments:

Post a Comment