Monday, July 23, 2007

Disconnected

Since my seizure, I have a get out of fasting free card. The only day I fast is Yom Kippur, and on that day I don't leave the house; I conserve my energy. Since I have to work tomorrow, and since I'm running a slight fever, I'm eating and drinking.

I wonder if it's because I'm not fasting that I feel so disconnected from Tisha b'Av. I know I should be cognizant of the greater tragedies that have befallen the Jews -- destruction of both Temples, millennia of persecution, Muslim terrorists (heck, most Muslim governments) -- but I'm not. I'm sort of stuck on my own tsuris. I'm tired of being rejected by men I find attractive and being pursued by men I find repulsive.

Last week the average age of a visitor to my dating website page was 57. I'm in my 30s! What chutzpah in these men -- none of whom are millionaires or movie stars -- thinking a girl young enough to be their daughter would want to sleep with them.

Yet they're the only ones willing to give me the time of day. I'm feeling increasingly hopeless about my situation. If two rounds of prayer at the Kotel, participating in a weekly tehillim group, observing most of the mitzvot to the best of my ability, and generally trying to be a good and giving person aren't reason for me to merit finding my husband, what exactly do I have to do? Marry a man old enough to be my father? The thought nauseates me.

And it's a real obstacle to faith and enthusiastic practice. Traditional Judaism isn't meant for older singles. It's a lonely half-existence. And it's increasingly difficult to stay optimistic, and not succumb to bitterness.
Copyright (c) 2007 "Ayelet Survivor"

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