Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Waiting game

I hate waiting for Hude to call and deliver his verdict. I'm having such a hard time concentrating or focusing on anything else. I'm doing fairly well at my internship -- see more below -- but I just can't read the 9,000+ pages I'm assigned every week (okay, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly) or work on the papers coming due very soon.

Maybe I should just reject Hude preemptively -- he's obviously unwilling or unable to compromise. Why should I be the only one to have to change for this relationship to work?

A classmate (who read about my first date in the Google group -- I'm really starting to regret posting the description of my first date with Hude...) pointed out that he's getting all worried about something that hasn't even happened yet -- i.e., my alleged "coarsening" after working with abusive parents. In fact, she noted, the opposite could happen: working with abusers could refine me, make me a better parent and a better person. He's assuming the worst.

Part of me thinks I should just call or email him and end this myself. But I also think that's my pride talking. Why does it matter who rejects whom? I shouldn't elevate my dignity any higher than it needs to be.

Anyway, I had a pleasant surprise at the clinical department meeting yesterday. Occasionally people present cases to the department, seeking insight and suggestions. I have a very interesting client and wanted to brainstorm some ideas, so I asked my supervisor if interns could present. Yes, of course, what a wonderful idea, Ayelet, don't be nervous.

So I presented at the meeting, asked a bunch of questions, got a ton of great suggestions, and felt good. I wasn't nervous; it wasn't difficult for me to present -- I'm shy at parties, but in academic or professional settings, I have absolutely no problem speaking up or asking questions.

But at the end of the meeting, when we share "Golden Moments" -- little incremental successes and triumphs that come our way as we do our job -- my supervisor mentioned me! For being brave enough to present a case at the meeting even though it was only my fourth week at the agency.

Now, the person who benefited most from me presenting the case was me. I'm still a student, for one thing; I'm also really new at the agency, and I don't know who all the go-to people are. This was an efficient way for me to get everyone's input and advice -- so I took it. Hence, I was surprised when my supervisor praised me for acting in my own self-interest. Especially since I find her kind of distant and hard to read -- remember, I didn't particularly like her when I interviewed.

But apparently she's pleased with my work. And that's a good feeling.
Copyright (c) 2007 "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Congrats on getting your work praised in a public forum. That must be so gratifying!

    Heres what I think about Hude. Do not call him!! I know you want 'closure' but believe me you will only end up feeling much, much worse if you call and he explicitly rejects you.

    As tough as it is, I would steel yourself to giving him the time he requested. If he is interested he knows where to find you, and you can evaluate then. Try to lose yourself in your work--where you know your efforts will see a positive result.

    I know you want something to happen romantically..Now! It will when you least expect it. I know that's trite but it's true.

  2. That's great that you were praised like that. In the "bad place" they would have probably misconstrued it to say that you were pushy or something equally stupid. Glad to see that you are in a place that encourages!

    As for Hud, I think you, and he, are pushing this way too fast. You used the word "relationship". You are both talking about change. But as far as I can gather from your blog, all you guys did was go on one date. Is it possible that you (both) are jumping the gun a bit?

    It was one date, there hasn't been a second. I think it is too early to call one date a "relationship" or for either of you to be thinking about change.

    I know our clocks are ticking, we have no time to spare. That is why we sometimes need reality checks.

    I agree with Riva - don't call him! Think: "Hud - if you'd like to go out again, I would say yes. If you don't - chaval, too bad for both of us. But in the meantime I am not waiting around for you. NEXT!" Only THINK it. Don't call him. Save your respect, babe.

  3. I think you should call him, and reject him. End it. He's obviously too focused on minutiae that haven't occurred yet, and this is going to get in the way of a healthy relationship developing naturally. I can see it if you're waiting for him to call you and reject you-- because that would make it his problem, and you wouldn't have to feel like there was something you should have said or done, but if these issues are coming up this early, it doesn't bode well.

    Just my $.02.