Wednesday, September 05, 2007

High anxiety

Day two of school, and instead of going out to lunch after class with two friends who really wanted me to join them, I fled to the computer lab and then home. I had the mean reds.

I'm not sure why I got so anxious -- maybe because this professor seems determined to work us extra hard, maybe because I was nervous and tried too hard to be funny, and then got worried that the professor, who's pretty funny herself, would be feeling upstaged and would turn on me like Dr. Jerk or Dr. Dragon. My extracurricular obligations are really starting to pile up, and my schoolwork will before long.

I had errands to run -- picking up laundry and prescriptions, going to the post office, getting a pedicure and a haircut -- but I couldn't go. The anxiety had me. My heart was pounding. I wouldn't consider it a full-blown anxiety attack, but it was very uncomfortable. I had to go straight home. I made a list of just six things I need to do, which usually helps me feel less anxious. No discernible effect; I didn't know how I'd get them done.

Fortunately, the mean reds abated after a nap, and I was able to take care of some list items. I wrote up a flyer for a panel discussion I'm coordinating and a request letter for alternative practitioners to give presentations to our new student group. I got a pedicure and the prescriptions. And I have most of tomorrow to get my hair cut; I'm also meeting with Dr. R and having lunch with Boaz.

Maybe I'll tell Dr. R that after my prescription coverage ran out, I started gaming my meds. Not taking the full dosage every night, so that I wouldn't have to refill so soon. For about a month. I figured it wasn't a big deal since I wasn't in school, and for about half the month I'd be on vacation, relaxing. I forgot that being around so many married people -- in the Catskills, in Bina's little city -- can stress me out as much as school, or more.

I hope it hasn't been too big a deal. I'm back on the full dose of everything. And I'm going to start carrying my clonazepan with me. Just in case.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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