Sunday, November 25, 2007

Limited motivation

I didn't go to shul this weekend, and I didn't make plans to go to Friday night dinner or Shabbos lunch. It would have been easy -- a couple of phone calls or emails. But I didn't. I couldn't.

On Sundays I often go to a local farmer's market to buy fresh apples, which are much tastier and juicier than supermarket apples. Today I can't. I just can't.

A friend invited me to go to a movie or a dance performance tonight, and I begged off.

I can't clean, although I usually don't even when I'm feeling more generally motivated. And I'm having immense trouble working on the take-home exam, although I did manage to finish one paper. I can't focus. I don't even care.

The only thing that motivates me, apparently, is the prospect of sex. I grasped at the slim hope of having sex last night; that got me to shower, get dressed, and get out of the apartment. Although I forgot my cell phone and my friend's address, so I had to take a taxi home to get it, then back to his vicinity. My mind is clearly shot. But I got there, and eventually he showed himself willing -- as I suspected he would. I didn't even have to try; he offered, despite his alleged lack of attraction to me.

It wasn't even good sex; that's what's killing me. That -- and the fact that I can't motivate myself to do anything else but the minimum. I go to work, I go to school, I do some of the reading, I try hard with my clients. But nothing else motivates me.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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