Thursday, November 15, 2007

Slowing down

I hate the time change. I can feel myself slowing down, and everything gets harder. Getting out of bed, reading, concentrating, dealing with people. Forget about cleaning the apartment; it's a mass of papers piled everywhere, dishes in the sink, garbage that needs to be taken out. I'm still functioning in public, but it's getting harder.

During my mid-semester oral evaluation (relax, it's not as dirty as it sounds) my wonderful supervisor, Melanie, praised me for many things I'm doing well -- assessment and active listening were two of the highlights -- and identified a few areas of growth. One was to spend a little less time in the staff room in the back and more time hanging out in front with the clients.

And today I couldn't do it. I knew I had to co-lead a group, which I had to do some reading for, and I was working on a process recording... but after I was done, I didn't go hang out with the clients. I stayed in the back, reading a book on cognitive therapy for schizophrenia.

The program director asked me if I had some free time to help one of the clients sign up for an email account, which I was able to do without pissing off the client, who is known to be touchy at times. And when we were finished, I was able to co-lead the group -- apparently to the great relief of the program director, who was having a rough day. It's ironic, because today's topic was negative symptoms, one of which is social withdrawal.

Days like this, I feel more like the clients than the other workers. I worry that I'm going to get more impaired, more limited in what I can do. And I know what I need to do -- I need to exercise. It's the surest cure for what ails me. It's just so hard to get myself to do it. I keep telling myself I'm going to hop out of bed at 7 a.m., dance for 10 minutes to youtube videos, and then hop into the shower.

I don't know if that will happen tomorrow. These days, I don't hop much. I slump, I shuffle, I drag.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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