Sunday, December 09, 2007

Easy to see why HE's still single

So last night Shimona was drinking Scotch, then bemoaning how little buzzed she was.

"Eating tuna salad and egg salad and Israeli salad is a buzzkill," I told her. "But I didn't know you drink Scotch."

"I love Scotch," said Shimona.

A memory flashed in my mind: A tall, sweet, cute guy toasting me at a kiddush. "Here's to real women who drink real liquor!" We were both drinking Scotch.

His name is, let's say, Mudd. He's intelligent, nice, cute, modern orthodox, and tall. Shimona is intelligent, nice, adorable, modern orthodox, and tall. I should set them up!!! Right?

Wrong. I emailed him this morning:

Do you know a girl named Shimona Berger?

He responded:

I hope you are having a nice holiday. Yes, from a while back.

Is this a love connection?

I'd enjoy the holiday more if it didn't overlap with finals ;) But I went to a (insert name of hip, orthodox Jewish musician) concert last night, so I celebrated a little. I went with Shimona, and I thought of you because she is intelligent, tall, very attractive, and loves Scotch. And I know you love women who drink real liquor ;)

How could he resist, with that buildup? Alas, all too intrepidly.

Hi, I was at the other concert in Webster Hall. (Hip, orthodox Jewish musician) is decent and it sounds like you had a nice time.

I appreciate you thinking of me. Talk to you soon!

Ouch. I felt even worse because I'd gotten Shimona's hopes up. It's not often she learns about a tall, cute, smart, normal orthodox guy under 40 that she hasn't already dated. (To her credit, when I asked her if she knew him, she immediately asked, "Why isn't he married?")

Shimona emailed me tonight asking what Mudd's response was, and I wrote back:

He is nothing what I told you. He is a big dumb jerk. I told him you were a beautiful tall intelligent woman who loves Scotch, and he said he met you years ago and was very noncommittal. I am not going to set him up again. He doesn't deserve to reproduce. Or ever have sex.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Ahem... hi. I'm a relatively normal, tall, orthodox guy under 40, and I have Cardhu (a little left now, anyway!) and Glenrothes (1982!) at home. Efsher ah Shidduch? And, er, as you can see, I am eminently available now.