Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My best friend's husband

College friend of mine, Dafna, with whom I'm in intermittent contact, is getting divorced. Two small kids. She and her soon-to-be-ex are Facebook friends of mine. He and I have been playing Scrabulous and exchanging emails, especially late at night when neither of us can sleep. I thought it was just some innocent fun.

Men are dogs.

Dog: What are you doing up so late?

Ayelet: Brooding about my lack of social life.

D: I wish I could help but I simply do not know any single jewish guys ... much less eligible, quality ones.

A: and you call yourself a lawyer? ;)

D: i don't call myself a lawyer anymore. i am no longer practicing law. i am a management consultant now. the only single, jewish guys I know are under 24 years old and waaaay immature.

A: Good for you for getting into a better game -- hope Dafna is rooking you for lots of alimony ;P

I realized that was a risk, but hey, life's a risk. (And I was bored.)

D: it is a good thing i know you well enough to take that the way you meant it

A: hey, I'm edgy when I'm not punchy, and right now I'm pretty punchy

(It was late.)

D: sounds like you need to release some tension

I could have nipped this in the bud. But do I ever pick the sensible alternative?

A: I'm celibate and in grad school, of course I do

D: so ... what do you do about that?

Last chance to keep this from getting naughty...

A: use a lot of AA batteries

Too late.

D: i hear that. i guess it is better than nothing. some women don't ... and that makes no sense to me whatsoever.

you know ... i am kind of in the same boat ... although i don't have to spend any money on batteries

Why do I do this to myself? How do I get out of it?

A: yeah, it's easier for men

D: i don't know ... i think it is a lot more interesting for women. there is more to do ... more variety... and less mess ;)

I didn't see that because I went to sleep. The next morning, I found that and

D: I hope i didn't scare you off ...

A: no -- I finally got sleepy

Okay -- time to back it up. I'll respond to his messages, but no more flirting. He's a hard-up divorced guy, who was separated but sharing living quarters with his ex for more than two years before finally moving out. It's not such a compliment to be chased by him.

D: So... when does the semester end for you?

A: Tomorrow!

D: I am sure it is a HUGE relief. Do you have any exciting plans for after you finish?

I really shouldn't. What the hell...

A: Not really. I might get a massage.

D: Sounds like a great idea. From reading your status messages it is clear that you have been really breaking your back with work this semester.

Hm. He didn't exactly take the bait.

A: har har... yeah, kinda

D: I was being serious! You seem to be working all of the time... including late at night.

A: Actually, I'm mostly playing Scrabulous.

D: Did you move yet in our game? ;)

A: I'll get to it. (You really have nothing better to do?)

D:I am just a guy who hasn't gotten any in quite some time! ;)

(Okay -- I had to edit out a section that would have made for a better transition, but trust me -- that's what he wrote.) I really should put a stop to this... but it's fun getting some attention from a guy who thinks I'm sexy....

A: I hear you, bro. (I'd say "I feel you" the way kids do these days, but in your state of mind that could be misinterpreted.)

D: Hey ... I am not the one burning through the AA batteries!

A: that's right -- you've just got carpal tunnel syndrome

D: and chafing :(

(Okay, that was a bit much.)

A: dude -- TMI!

D: Sorry ... I thought it followed with the carpal tunnel comment. Please excuse my lapse in judgment.

A: fine line ;) hee hee... you're funny when you're sheepish

D: Well, like most guys, any time the conversation gets even close to sex ... BAAAd things can happen. ;)

A: sad how this conversation is the closest I've gotten to getting any in so long...

D: Are you getting turned on?

That was quick. And blunt.

A: These days, it's more like, "Am I ever turned off?"

Honesty is the best policy, right?

D: Heh. I know EXACTLY what you mean. Well, if you ever get tired of running through those batteries...

A: Dude, you're my friend's ex-husband! That's, like, WRONG.

D: If you say so.

Ooh... naughty.

A: You must be pretty hard up ;)

D: For a creative, open-minded and fun partner? I guess I am.

I am on my way out to a concert. Have a good night.

I'm sure many of you, dear readers, are disappointed in me. But I can't describe how hard it is living an asexual life, feeling like an undesirable amid a sea of gorgeous women. Even though he hasn't seen me in years, and might not find me attractive now (doable is another thing; men have two sets of standards), I like being flirted with. It's the most positive male attention I haven't gotten from a good (and hence biased) friend in a long time.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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