Tuesday, December 04, 2007


I had a cute conversation in the computer lab today with my fellow student Ruth, who's taking conversion classes with my rabbi. She didn't know Chanuka was all about miracles, and found that thrilling. She made her boyfriend buy an oil menorah so they could light authentically.

There aren't enough lemons in the world to make me appreciate the miracle of Chanuka this year. I'm too lonely and hopeless. None of the men I write to on dating sites even acknowledge my contact. My skin is aging, and my girth is broadening. In a few years I'll be that pitiful woman I saw in the supermarket just over a year ago, buying pet food and day-old danish.

When I'm in this state of mind, in this bad a mood, I can't pray. Because the deafening silence of Gd's response to my pain is too devastating. Despair kills faith.

I dropped out of my shidduch tehillim group -- a bunch of women dividing up the Book of Psalms and each saying about 10 of them each week, so the book is completed each week. It's supposed to help us find our zivug. Right now, I have no capacity to repeat David's magnificent poetry in praise of Gd -- even though David often wrote from the black pit of despair wherein I sit.

I should have lit a candle tonight. But candles won't lighten my darkness. So I didn't bother.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Wow, what a sad posting! Your skin looks wonderful, ten years less than your age. Your girth is not as bad as you think. And you are a smashing success at school and internship. Yes, your social life does suck. But what can you do? if you want to come over and light candles with us some night feel free. Maybe it'd cheer you up!

  2. A word of chizuk -- one of the powerful aspects of Judaism is that we do things because we are required to, not because we want to, and sometimes the actions lead to the feelings. Fake it til you feel it, as they say. So tonight light two candles because you are required to, not because you should or feel like it. And hopefully by the eighth night some of the Chanukah light will seep into your heart.

  3. Thanks, Anonymous and Riva. There is something cheering about seeing those flames, even if I feel abandoned. Maybe in 6 days I won't feel that way.