Sunday, December 16, 2007

Trying too hard

I came home from my date tonight and started listening to sad, slow songs. Mood music. There's nothing I can pinpoint wrong with the guy, and he really likes me and finds me beautiful -- but he's trying too hard to make me like him, and I'm trying too hard to like him. Both efforts are unlikely to have a successful outcome.

Every point I make, Captain Best Effort either had to agree with or top. I say I'm tired -- he's more tired. My job's demanding -- his is more demanding, and somebody just got fired and someone else got laid off, so he's doing the work of three people. But if we were talking politics and I disputed a point he made, somehow he'd find a way to agree with me.

He's also incredibly self-focused -- telling me in excruciating detail what he does and doesn't like. I, I, I, me, me, me. He must have told me 50 times that he doesn't like very skinny girls. Fine -- I don't approve of chubby guys who wear t-shirts saying 'No Fat Chicks,' so at least he's not a hypocrite. (Kind of goes without saying that I really don't find him attractive, although at this weight, I probably shouldn't be so picky.)

But at this point, I don't care so much about what he does and doesn't like, or what his opinion is on everything. And when he goes on and on about it, it seems very narcissistic. Like what he prefers is a matter of global importance. Bottom line: he's annoying.

I've been accused many a time of being too judgmental and dismissive of men I date. And all I can say is, I just can't marry a guy I find annoying. I don't think I should have to, and women who go into a marriage thinking their husband is annoying -- get divorced.

I've seen it happen. Several years ago an acquaintance of mine, a truly gorgeous redhead, got married at what to me seemed like the ancient age of 37 (now fast approaching, that age no longer seems so ancient to me).

The redhead had second thoughts. Lots of them -- way beyond cold feet. She was cold to her eyebrows. And I wondered if she was doing the right thing, especially since she made a point of telling me that her fiancé was annoying. "He's annoying. He just is," she said to me, three weeks before their wedding.

Their son was born less than a year later. They were divorced before he was two.

I've tried really, really hard to like several eligible men -- stable, grounded, at a good religious level, hardworking -- and ultimately couldn't do it because I thought they were weird. It's strange that I should have justify my desire to marry a normal guy, but there it is. I'd rather spent the rest of my life alone than annoyed. Or divorced.

But right now, I feel intensely alone. I was almost tempted to call Dog. Thank Gd for clonazepam.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I think it would be fantastic if you could find a religious male blogger out there with the an identical quest as yours. Careful with the clonopin. I sleep-drove into oncoming traffic once.


  2. Mrs. Open Minded9/29/2009 5:06 PM

    Yes, if you're ready to stop after one date you are too judgmental and dismissive. No, you should not marry someone you find annoying. A second date is a must if there's anything positive about the guy. A third if you think with a little work he could be eligible. After three dates if you're really not interested then let it go. But you already see yourself divorced with a kid after one date! Just make sure you don't get engaged to a guy you don't like. What's the matter with one or two more dates? You have very little to lose and a lot to gain. Many people were not interested initially with their spouse. It took some time to fall in love with their good points and excuse their flaws. And often a person changes their flaws and improves based on the relationship. He might stop agreeing with you if you say, "You don't have to agree with me, I like a good argument sometimes." He might run out of opinions and start exploring your world on the next date. Don't be so quick on the draw.

  3. Got anyone in mind, KosherWineGuy? ;) Good thing I don't have a car.

    Mrs. Open Minded, the problem with Captain Best Effort was that he repulsed me both physically and mentally. There was NOTHING I liked about him. While I believe in giving people a chance when you're not sure, if you're completely physically repulsed on the first date -- and he's annoying the crap out of you, to boot -- then there's no hope. That's not being judgmental, that's just two people who are not compatible in any way.

  4. Mrs. Open Minded9/29/2009 10:15 PM

    Well repulsed is a stronger word than you used before. If that's the case then there's not much to discuss.

    But you are already thinking about what it would be like to married to him without ever getting to know him in the first place. I don't get that. You can only decide or think about the next step. Do you or don't you want to get to know him better? That's the only question. Its not helpful in any way to hyperspace to the future before you know anything about the guy.