Thursday, January 03, 2008

A million little insults

I've been beset with a ridiculous number of minor losses, rejections, and disappointments over the past few weeks. None of them is major enough to blog about. A snotty woman, Sarah (protégé of the lovely Mrs. Mutter), who de-Friended me on Facebook without telling me what I'd done to offend her. A few attempted booty calls on Frumster from men who apply the label "Modern Orthodox Machmir" to themselves. The loss of sundry hats, my favorite vibrator, and myriad other minor objects.

But the cumulative effect has caught up with me. (Also, and I hope this isn't TMI, I'm probably going to get my period in a few days. That often wrecks my mood even when nothing bad has happened.) So this morning I woke up, switched on my lightbox, and just couldn't face trying to help anyone but myself.

I called in sick. Actually, I called my toilet in sick. My landlord replaced it recently, a fairly intricate operation that called for my presence, if not exactly supervision. So if anyone asks any questions, I'll have a good cover story. And I took a klonopin-fueled nap, which seemed to help.

I don't feel too bad about doing this -- after a two-week vacation, Melanie was supposed to start back on 12/31, but she's been out sick all week. I've really been helping out in her absence, coming in when I was supposed to be on break. But there was nothing really major I needed to do today, and yesterday I was scrambling for meaningful work. If Melanie recovered and made it into work today, she probably had enough to do without worrying about supervising me. And if she didn't, well, no big deal; I wouldn't have had much to do anyway.

I just hope I wake up tomorrow morning more ready to face things. It's hard being a mental health worker with a mental health condition. I don't think my clients' moods are affecting mine; however, it's hard to lend clients your ego strength when your ego is reeling in shock from a machine-gun series of unending insults, upsets, and demoralizers. I'm reeling; I can't be cheerful, positive, and clear-thinking, especially since it gets dark so early and the light box's effects seem so minimal.

It's really hard being a mental health prosumer, especially when you have more experience as a client than as a therapist, and today I wasn't up to the task. I didn't have the psychic energy to put into this demanding work. I hope tomorrow I'm better equipped. I don't want to fall into the habit, as I did at my final "day job," which I held before and after getting my master's, of spending days or weeks unable to go into work, even taking time off for short-term disability. Which I was, of course, legally entitled to do, but that didn't stop my boss and coworkers from castigating and ultimately firing me for it.

I like my internship much more than I ever liked my day job, but it's also more emotionally and intellectually grueling. You can't phone it in. I hope tomorrow I can deliver.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Is the intent of this blog to sabotage yourself?

  2. You took some time to take care of #1, and I hope it helped bolster your spirits enough. You're helping a lot of people, insults and demoralizers aside, and you're making a difference in people's lives. Keep on inspiring.

  3. Anonymous, I don't know what you mean. This blog is anonymous and has a limited readership, which does not include anyone from work. How am I sabotaging myself?

  4. Perhaps I am mistaken, but even to a small readership, one should use discretion in revealing oneself.

  5. I still have no idea what you're talking about.