Sunday, January 27, 2008

Should I or shouldn't I?

I wrote to a divorced guy on Frumster. He sounded interesting, said he liked reading sci-fi and doing crossword puzzles. So do I, which seems to be more than I have in common with most of the guys I date these days.

He told me he had three children, two boys aged 14 and 15, and a girl aged 7. That's a fair number of kids, and teenage stepkids are no picnic. But I thought, "What the heck, it's not like I don't come without a fair amount of baggage."

We spoke on the phone last night -- and it turns out that he gave his wife a get three weeks ago. He left the house last Succos-time, in October.

Is the Newly Divorced Dad (NDD) too recently divorced for me? I have had numerous bad experiences with the too-recently divorced: Hude, RD-SOB, Narcissus, Little Marty, etc. Moreover, divorce in New York State takes at least a year. This guy won't be free to remarry for that long. Also, if he got married for the first time at 22, isn't he going to want to play the field for a while?

I said I'd go out with him tonight, but I'm wondering if it's just a waste of time. At least he's not blond and big-headed, like my toxic type.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. The other guys you mentioned were looking to play. The only way you can tell if this man is a player or serious is by meeting him. Judging on this question just by virtue of the fact that he is recently divorced is not fair. But as for readiness, as in - has he had time to process what he's going through - that I don't know. Three months is not a very long time. But if he is a good person and not a player, then you might want to hold on to him while he goes through that process so that you will be there when he is done and ready.

    On the other hand, if he is a player then you will know so soon enough, and that's that! But I would say - follow his lead. Don't suggest dates, don't call him (or email him) if he hasn't called (unless he has asked you to), don't push for anything. Stand back and let him initiate so that you can let his own actions show you if he is serious or not. If he pursues you - he is serious and interested. If he drops the ball, he is not.

    As for the fact that he will not be ready to marry for a while, I wouldn't worry about that. I know our clocks are ticking and we have no time to lose, but not rushing into marriage is good advice at any age. If they have already finished with the get then they are obviously headed in that direction and hopefully will manage to finish things off quickly and without complications (October is only 10 months away).

    If he is a good man who will make you happy then it is worth the wait.

    I hope he is a good guy and ready!! Good luck!

  2. it sounds like the date was decent! why don't you clarify what his needs/intentions are before you go too far?