Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Gut feeling

It might be too much light box, but I've got a very anxious feeling in my stomach. It emerged yesterday and has been bothering me ever since. I felt sad and scared -- the mean reds. Probably a mixed state. It was hard to go to class, and even harder to hang out with my friends.

A wonderful classmate of mine, Jadwiga, emigrated to the U.S. from Poland when she was a tiny girl. She spoke Polish to my grandmother yesterday -- Grandma waxes into Polish sometimes, which frustrates my mom, and when I told Jadwiga about this, she volunteered to talk to Grandma and see how she's doing.

We found out that Grandma would like to read books and watch movies in Polish, and that I'm a very sweet granddaughter (Grandma's a bit biased). Jadwiga also helped me find resources for people with visual disabilities -- who knew the Jewish Guild for the Blind has large-print books in Polish? (And Yiddish, Romanian, Russian, etc.) And she suggested that we try to find a Polish home health aide to help out with Grandma and talk to her -- as her family did when Jadwiga's grandmother was elderly and suffering from dementia. Good social work interventions all round.

It was the nicest thing Jadwiga could have done for me, and all I wanted to do was go home and pull the bedcovers over my head. I didn't want to shmooze with her. I wanted her to leave me alone. How ungrateful is that?

The days are getting longer, and I'm getting more natural light. I wish there was a more exact way to determine how long and how often I should stare into the light box. I skipped it today, but I'm still feeling miserable and anxious. Apparently it doesn't show, because I went to the bris of Shuli's son and everyone thought I was fine.

I must say that the thought of having another baby to hold makes me happy. I guess I'm lucky that my friends keep having kids, if I can't.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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