Saturday, February 23, 2008

Lust and resentment

I'm starting to feel stronger, which makes me think this weakness was the result of a virus, not my state of mind.

And my state of mind's pretty bad these days. I'm simmering with resentment. Why? Because I'm simmering with lust, and I don't have a husband to work it off with. I can't believe I've spent all these years alone. When I do think about it, I'm filled with rage and resentment. I'm a good person. I go way out of my way for other people. I'm entering a helping profession. And total bitches get married to great guys, and I don't.

It's not fair. And I know that life's not fair, but right now it feels too damn unfair. And I can't take it. Why did I wait so long to marry a Jewish guy? Why didn't I just marry a nice Italian? There's plenty of them in NYC, and they love curvy girls like me. They're good family men -- not particularly known for fidelity, but I'm certainly not perfect. And if a man's well fed at home, he's less likely to eat out.

I'm burning up. Lust and anger. I can't stand it. No one gives a shit if I never get married. No one lifts a goddamn finger. And Gd laughs at my misery.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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