Thursday, March 20, 2008

A not so freilichen Purim

Earlier I was musing over the difference between "I'm not in the mood" and "I can't." I needed to get my hair cut, and I didn't feel like leaving the apartment. I don't know why my mood has been down lately, but I've been struggling. Yesterday I went for brunch with Rochel, but didn't feel like doing anything else -- getting a massage, getting a pedicure, shopping. So I came straight home.

This morning, frustrated with my computer's slow processing speed (it's less than 3 years old, and it's slower than dial-up), I uninstalled some programs I thought I didn't need. I checked -- they said I only used them "occasionally" or "rarely." So I uninstalled something called "SoundMax" and went to get a haircut.

I "wasn't in the mood" to go, but I forced myself. I needed a conditioning treatment and a trim (and, if you're to take the stylist's word for it, I desperately need a color rinse to cover all my grays). I knew a haircut wouldn't require much effort on my part; I was able to force myself to go.

I tell you, though, I hate seeing myself in mirrors. First I sat under the dryer with glop on my hair, feeling like a troll in a beauty parlor; then I had to watch myself get a haircut. I just feel so enormous. Maybe that's why I didn't want to go; I know I hate looking at myself in the mirror while someone fusses with my hair.

Anyway, I came home to a disaster. I don't know how something I use every day could be considered "rarely," but Soundmax is the audio driver on my hard drive, and I had no volume. For someone whose major downtime pastime is watching TV shows and movies on the computer, this was devastating. It was a huge struggle to find the solution, download the right patch, and fix things.

I got extremely frustrated and furious. Although I learned -- during my frantic Google searches for "uninstalled SoundMax help" and "audio driver XP dell" -- that many people uninstall the exact same driver. That was some comfort; I'm not the only idiot who's done this. But by the time I had fixed things, I was exhausted from the rage and vexation.

I was especially angry at myself for deleting something I needed, and once again was confronted with my essential aloneness. I realize not all husbands can fix things that wives mess up, but at least they can condole with them and brainstorm solutions. I was on my own. Again. As always.

I was supposed to meet someone at megillah reading tonight -- new husband of a friend of mine. There are tons of parties going on. And I can't go. I really can't. I can't go out feeling like this and spend time with a bunch of strangers and slight acquaintances. I just can't party when I feel this terrible. I need to be alone at home.

I took two vitamin K, a safe but strong dose, so I'm feeling better, but I certainly am not up to getting dressed, putting on makeup, and pretending to be happy. Let alone figure out a costume.

Some spring break this turned out to be. Maybe I'll go for a massage after the Purim seuda tomorrow; Alona and Adir invited me. Shuli will be there with my newest nephew; maybe I'll get to hold him.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry that Purim was a bust, Ayelet. I will say, however, that I've seen your hair, and that stylist was way off base. He may've been trying to 'make his numbers' for the month, but there's no need for coloring products in your case. Mine, on the other hand...

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