Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Why I need to carry Vitamin K in my purse

I am in a rotten mood. Fury, frustration, abject misery that I just can't shake. I don't even feel like eating a box of Entenmann's; I'm beyond that. I need chemical help to get out of this state.

Ironically, I just spent 40 minutes doing Zen meditation. I was annoyed that my attempts to promote the event didn't result in better attendance -- in fact, any attendance beyond me and the guy who's been studying Zen. It was embarrassing. And tonight I've got another event that I organized and publicized, and I'm terrified no one will show up. It's a big strain, and I can't just let it go.

I should be reading -- I'm hundreds of pages behind. I should write a paper or a process recording. Instead, I'm surfing Facebook and trying not to cry. I don't know why I'm so angry and upset. I don't think it's hunger, although I am a little hungry -- but my stomach's in knots, so for once I don't feel like eating.

Maybe I'm tired of being handed what I don't want, and being denied what I do want. I don't want to go out with the neb. Why can't I have a cool husband, someone dynamic and interesting?

I had a job interview this morning for a job within my current agency that I don't think I want. I'll find out if they liked me, because they're going to call Sally, my program director, and I'm pretty sure she'll tell me what they said about me. But can I afford to be picky right now? Literally -- can I afford to wait for the job I want, or do I have to succumb to dreary case management and paperwork?

I've got another job interview in exactly a week for another job within the agency. I have to shop for an interview suit, because I'm too fat for all my old suits. Something I should have done over Spring Break, when my brain turned to sludge for a week.

And I'm completely fed up with DOTS. It has been a month. How long does it take to decide that I don't need remediation and the internship department is incompetent? I wrote up an email to her but haven't sent it yet:

Dear DOTS,

It has been several weeks, and the matter of my alleged 200-hour fieldwork deficit has still not been resolved. I am starting to interview for jobs, and I do not know what to tell them should they ask when I can begin. Moreover, it would be irresponsible to begin the termination process with my clients without knowing precisely when my last day with them will be. That will hinder closure.

I should let you know that I have calculated how much time I have worked at this internship thus far: 555 hours. With the remaining 147 hours of my last seven weeks, that comes to a total of 702 hours I will have worked here.

I am also interested in taking the auricular acupuncture training offered at Lincoln Recovery Center, which would be another 80 hours of fieldwork. I am on friendly terms with the director of LRC, and I am sure that he or a licensed clinical social worker would be happy to supervise me during that training, which could serve as more internship hours for me.

The deficit would then be reduced to a mere 20 hours. Given that the Council on Social Work Education only requires 900 hours of fieldwork for the MSW degree, and given that the time I spent out of internship could have been entirely avoided had I but been allowed to start immediately at either of the options I presented to the internship department, I believe these 20 hours could be forgiven.

My professional development has not suffered from the time I missed last year; in fact, my program director told me she would have hired me were there an opening in her program. Nor will I suffer any professional ramifications from lacking a mere 20 hours of field work, as 1180 hours is more than sufficient for the Council on Social Work Education.

I hope this matter will be resolved soon.

Sincerely, Ayelet Survivor, M.A.

Professor Fun thought it was fine, but Jerry told me to hold off; I'm meeting with him later today.

I've also prepared a document that could be used to file a complaint against Dean Evillene for her many violations of the Social Work Code of Ethics. I'm so tempted to go ahead and send it to the National Association of Social Workers. I really hate this school right now, so much so that I considered not going to graduation. (Kinda gratifying that my classmates unanimously begged me not to skip it.)

I hate my dating life even more. And I'm so tired of hating. Maybe that's why I'm so miserable. I need to love -- someone or something. I love my current clients, but I'm leaving them in seven weeks. I love my nieces and nephews, but not enough to visit them at Jerusha's house.

Maybe I'll call Shuli and tell her I need to spend more time with baby Baruch. I went there last Shabbos, wearing a fur-collared sweater (yes, I know, politically incorrect and brutal to wear rabbit fur-trimmed clothing, but I've lost a bit of weight so the sweater fits great again, and wearing it feels like a victory). Baruch buried his face in the fur and fell asleep. It felt good.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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