Thursday, July 24, 2008

Down but not out

Went for acupuncture this morning and felt great. Calm, relaxed, knees less achy. My acupuncturist -- I think I'll call him Spike -- even asked me to give him an ear treatment before I left, which is a huge compliment. (He winced as I inserted each of the points, which kind of surprised me -- during acupuncture training they stick you everywhere, even in the corner of your eye -- but he said I hit the right spots, so I guess I still got it.)

But then I had a rough day at work and just felt like an idiot. I'm tired of screwing up stuff that nobody showed me how to do, and I'm sick of office politics. Now I'm down.

At least I'm not anxious. Spike said that when he was being treated for anxiety -- with acupuncture, of course -- he found himself feeling a little low as the excess energy was removed from his system. I tried to be mindful as a Buddhist monk about the situation, recognizing that sad feelings come and go.

It didn't help much; monks have much more mindfulness practice than I do. I tried not to cry on the subway, but I wasn't entirely successful. But I was able to recognize that it was sadness, not depression. I didn't want to be dead. I don't want to be dead. I'm just tired of not being happy, of feeling alone and untouched and uncomforted. I'm just not getting enough positive reinforcement.

Then I got home and found a huge, disgusting dead roach in the bathtub, and had to clean it up myself. I hate being single.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Yesterday must have been one of those days. I kept falling into tears myself. Hope the weekend is restful and healing :)