Thursday, November 06, 2008

Ayelet's angry ass

While working on my back, and lower back, and lower than my lower back, Spike inserted a point into my mid-gluteal muscle and detected a strong release of anger. So when I got to work, I posted a new status update:

Ayelet's ass has a lot of anger, according to my acupuncturist. Must be why it's so big.

This provoked a lot of comments, some of which I'll share:

Dvora: That would be a great set-up for a Family Guy episode -- like the one where Chris had a zit that took over his entire life.

Sophie: I think that would make a great episode. On SATC didn't Charlotte's vag need a psychiatrist?

Spike: for the record, I said the channel was blocked very badly and joked that it was one angry meridian. but there is something comically compelling about an angry ass :)

Tehilla: BSD Please note: The emotion of anger is related to the Liver in TCM (Trad. Chinese Medicine). The Liver channels related to the Liver Organ energy do not run through the buttocks, derriere, tushy)! Maybe when he inserted the needles, you gave out a yelp. sounding a tad angry, or maybe it was a statement of his general diagnosis.
Have a peaceful, simcha-full Shabbat!
LOL You are one fun FB friend!
Light and love,
Doc Tehilla of Tzfat

Spike: You are most correct. This is quite fun! The point in question was on the GB meridian which is the pair of our friend the liver. I am not legally allowed to disclose more about the condition of Ayelet except to say that ascribing one of the seven emotions to her posterior was not meant to be diagnostic and in no way reflects any traditional practices in TCM. However, perhaps I have uncovered a novel pattern. Angry Ass Syndrome... it'll have a badass (oops, that really was an accident) name in Chinese. Wanna write a paper with me, Doc Tehilla?

[Re badass: yesterday my status update read "Ayelet wants a badass tattoo." I was feeling rebellious. It got some responses, too, but none that I think I should share.]

Ayelet: I did want a badass tattoo. Psychoanalysts would say I was craving a needle in my ass. Please tell me how "angry ass syndrome" translates in Chinese, Spike. And thanks for commenting, Tehilla. I'm almost feeling proud of my ass, and I usually despise it.

Spike: I must now meditate in front of a wall for the next nine years to discover the proper qi gong techniques to treat what might be the next scourge of humanity. I cannot allow the forseen pandemic of AAS to cripple our futures. Please contact me at 917 xxx xxxx if you need to forward me if you need to forward me research money, AAS-positive test patients... Together, we can prevail against this dread disorder. yes we can. yes we will.

Ayelet: I'm not donating until I know its Chinese name. Is it "Dragon Posterior Lightning"?

[You should hear the Chinese name for schizophrenia: "Tan Re Mi Xin Qiao Hun Po" -- phlegm and fire disturb mind.]

The conversation took an even more amusing turn.

Gavriel: If an ass can have anger, can a shmeckle have mirth?

Ayelet: A shmeckle can INSPIRE mirth... ;)

Spike: i just googled schmeckle. I thought it was a monetary unit but that didn't fit the context. how many words could you have for... wait I now know three. I gonna quit now. this is like that time i was stranded on a tropical island with 24 women and learned all the slang words for menstruation. be nice to the goy. oy veh.....

[Remember, he's Chinese-American.]

Ayelet: there are dozens of words for, well, "shmeckle." Broaden your horizons, Spike. Doesn't Chinese have a few quaint euphemisms? I remember reading a trashy novel about an American woman in a Chinese man's home as one of his concubines, and him instructing her to "play the flute."

I then changed my status update:

Ayelet can't believe how many comments her angry ass inspired.

Levi succinctly nailed it: Wait till you post the pictures.

Moshe chimed in: I've noticed that all the people commenting about Ayelet's ass have been men. I'm guessing that it's because we so rarely are allowed to publicly comment on women's asses. Either that, or it's just that people are enthralled with the idea of an ass being angry. The only other one we ever talk about was the one giving Bil'am his transport, and he saved Bil'am's life! What will YOUR angry ass accomplish?

I don't know, Moshe. But clearly, if my ass can inspire this much comment within a scant few hours, it is capable of much, much more. A PhD? A book? A new self-defense technique? Anger management, through firm yet gentle massage? [Wonder if my boss would approve that addition to the anger management curriculum....]

And for what it's worth, Bil'am's ass was female. Kinda makes sense, since she was quite a talker and she had more sense than he did. [And there were some women commenting on my ass status updates, too. I don't know what that says about them.]
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. "But clearly, if my ass can inspire this much comment within a scant few hours, it is capable of much, much more....A new self-defense technique? "

    I posted on said thread about founding a Butt Power martial arts school at around 3AM before i read your report. Either great minds think alike, and/or heaven help you child, you are crazy like me.

    They say when you ASSUME you make an ASS out of you and ME. But move a few more letters around and you get: ASS MUSE

    The Ass that Launched a Thousand Posts (and a screenplay)...

    The possibilities are endless. Ya gotta love it.

    ahem. i have used that word more than i strictly need to for the calendar year '08. I will flip the ticker at the solstice. this has been the most fun I've had online in a while. Namaste. -Spike

  2. oops need another S for ASS MUSE.

    When he ASSUMES he makes an ASS MUSE of himself.

    Doesn't work that well. oh well. i'll stand by the rest tho.. :p

    haven't done this type of thing in a while.