Monday, February 02, 2009

The fog of desire

I must produce a lot more testosterone than the average woman. I'm walking around in a fog, hazy with desire. I'm not sleepy -- I'm craving touch. My breasts in particular. They somehow feel exceptionally prominent, as if they're reaching out to touch people. I'm just glad I don't find any of my clients attractive, although I am much more aware of them as men.

This is very bad. Last night I went to a friend's Super Bowl party and limited myself to just one beer, because my friend's roommate is very cute and I didn't want to throw myself at him. Alcohol makes me very flirtatious and totally compromises my judgment. Drinking too much wine probably ruined my chances with Jeff, although chances are he wouldn't have been right for me anyway. I'm sure my friend's roommate isn't interested, either, so at least I kept my dignity.

I hate this. I can't take living without sex. I'm probably going to do something that I'll feel bad about, later. How do people survive in prison? How do people survive after losing a spouse? How do people live without sex and not feel miserable all the time?

And I wonder, again, if using the light box incorrectly is triggering some kind of hypomanic response in me. I'm also very much in the mood to shop these days.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. well, I wouldn't know about prison, but when you can't have sex, you... masturbate. Not nearly as good as the real thing, of course, but... it is the default option, after all.

  2. You seem to get these lustful periods every so often. If you'll forgive my saying so, you should check if they come the same time each month--ie, around when you would be ovulating. That is nature's way of getting women to procreate. I know there's nothing you can do about it right now but might help you manage these sensations. I suppose you could be 'manic' but I suspect that you are just going through a normal cycle, maybe a bit supersized because of your condition etc.

  3. @NJG -- I don't want to tell you how many batteries I've gone through. But masturbation is a poor substitute. I miss full-body skin contact. There's no vibrator in the world that can deliver.

    @Riva -- I don't think it's tied to ovulation, although that might play a role. But it's not this bad every month. Right now, I'm going out of my MIND. That only happens a few times a year.