Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Blame it on the time change

I am a wreck. Between the fight with Chaya, the self-imposed isolation, and the punishing regret for not forcing myself to go out (there are pictures all over Facebook of the fun I didn't have), I'm wretched. Not to mention the emotional mess jockitch kicked up in me. Can't blame him, he knew from the start what he wanted and what he didn't. It's just not enough. Story of my life.

My article was rejected. After 3 rewrites. I realize that happens, but I'm unhappy nonetheless. I suppose I could rewrite it and submit it elsewhere, but I don't know if I care anymore.

I didn't go into work yesterday because I felt absolutely miserable. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't even get dressed. So I took a mental health day, although I blamed it on the flu. Now I'm coping with a hot mess caused in my absence by my sickest client. Which wouldn't have been as hot or messy if I'd dragged my ass into work yesterday. No one's blaming me, but it's completely my fault. Add guilt to the mix. And hormones. Crazy hormones -- like PMDD.

Last night I thought about cutting my throat. I know, objectively, it would hurt. But in my mind I envision it as blissful relief -- a final exhale, a release of the life I can't stand, and then I won't have to worry about anything ever again.

Of course I'll never do it, if only to spare my parents the agony. Hopefully I'll get my period soon to even out my hormones, get used to the time change, and stabilize somewhat. Funny that I saw Dr. R last week and he thought I was doing well.

Then again, he also thought jockitch had potential. I of all people should know psychiatrists aren't perfect. To be fair, neither are patients, especially those who work with other patients. What on earth made me think I could do this work competently? I'm too weak. I'm too sick. I can't do it.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie,

    You are experiencing some hormonal or mood shift. A guy you dated for a week or two, an article rejected, and a single rough day at work (I am sure the situation was fixable) are even in totality not worth killing yourself over. I am not belittling your feelings and I know that you are feeling awful. But I hope you can take a step back and realize this too shall pass. I'll try and call you later.