Sunday, March 08, 2009

"I don't want to hold anyone back"

Last night I could have gone to two parties, and didn't. Partly because I was exhausted from a hard week at work, but mainly because I'm sulking over jockitch.

Dr. R was wrong. There's no hope. Jockitch barely feels like a father to the 4 kids he already has -- he can't possibly stand to have any more. And if he was in long relationships, it was more through inertia than choice.

Jockitch was joking again about not wanting to see "all my boyfriends" at the acupuncture party.

"Maybe I don't want any more boyfriends right now," I said.

"I don't want to hold anyone back," he temporized immediately. There goes that.

He's not looking for anything right now, because he doesn't know what he wants. If he says he wants something and you give it to him, he changes his mind.

For example: I gave jockitch the names and contact info for several therapists, and he hasn't called any of them.

"How often do you see your therapist?" jockitch asked me.

"Usually once a month," I said. "More often when I'm not doing well -- like every 2 or 3 weeks -- but generally once a month."

"How often do you think I would need to go?" he asked.

"I have no idea," I said. "I haven't done a thorough assessment."

"Once a week? Twice a week?" he asked, laughing nervously.

"I'd think more likely once a week to start," I said. "I didn't refer you to any psychoanalysts."

But I don't think he'll make an appointment. And I know he doesn't want a real relationship at this point. I think he justified staying with his ex-girlfriend Melissa because he knew it wouldn't lead anywhere, and in the meantime he didn't have to be alone.

"I thought I'd break up with Melissa at some point," he told me, "I'd get sick of her and tell her to leave. I was surprised when she left. I thought Mrs. Jockitch and I would get divorced at some point, when the kids were older, but I was kind of surprised when she left."

I suppose he expects me to get sick of him at some point and leave. And for my own sake, I probably should, sooner than he expects. It's just hard. I feel so comfortable with him, so accepted. What other guy is going to worry about whether I've taken my medication, rather than worry about the fact that I'm on medication?

So I've been sulking at home all weekend. Didn't go to any parties. The highlight of the weekend was that my local supermarket has started carrying the frosted sugar cookies I loved at my internship.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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