Wednesday, March 25, 2009

So that's why alcoholics drink

The anxiety is gone. In its place is depression. Not total despair, but it's difficult to get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Once I'm at work, I find I can function surprisingly well. One of my clients paid me a very high compliment today: "I don't know why it's so much easier to talk to you than to my parole officer." Five years of grad school, I guess.

After work I went to a "Ladies' Night In" to celebrate Rosh Chodesh, had a few glasses of wine, shed a few tears, and felt a whole lot better. Amazingly better. Better enough to share a very painful exchange I had on Frumster. I had noticed that TD (Travelin' Dad, who dumped me by email -- remember him?) has been checking my profile on Frumster. My membership has run out. So I sent him an icebreaker (which is free).

Ayelet: I don't have a list of good IceBreakers to choose from since I am a basic member. Respond if you're interested & I will show you my true wit.

He wrote back, so I re-upped to read what he said. I'm going to reproduce the rest of our correspondence.

TD: Hi how are you doing?

Ayelet: Very well, thanks. How are you?

No response. I should have let it go, but apparently I can't.

Ayelet: I thought I'd hear more from you -- since you've been visiting my profile....

TD: Do you have some updated pictures?

Ayelet: More recent than my profile pics? Those are from New Year's. So you were just visiting to see how I look in red? I thought you were going to beg my forgiveness and ask me out again ;)

TD: Yes most recent pictures. Sorry about that.

Ayelet: So all you wanted were pictures of me? Mind if I ask why?

TD: I wanted to see what you looked like today that's all

This is where I should have left it, but I couldn't.

Ayelet: So all that stuff about you being too busy to date because you're focused on establishing your drug treatment facility -- was a lie. I would have preferred you were honest with me.

TD: Nothing was a lie. It was the truth. The last month or so i have started dating again. I was honest with you.

Ayelet: But you're not interested in dating me, just looking at my photos. I should never have re-upped my membership.

TD: I never said i was not interested in dating you? Did i tell you to renew your membership? I just asked you for current pictures that was all.

Ayelet: Now I'm confused. No, you didn't tell me to renew my membership, but I assumed you were visiting my profile because you were interested in. I suppose I shouldn't have assumed and then I wouldn't have gotten hurt.

TD: Correct i did not tell you to renew your membership. Never assume in life..... How did you get hurt? i just asked you for a current picture of you then depending on what i saw i was going to let you know if i was interested in you again that is all.

Ayelet: You were going to decide based on my current photo whether you wanted to go out with me again? You're right. I should only assume that guys like you are jerks.

TD: You see your problem in your life is you are very bitter person. I am the opposite of you a very positive person. I will not stoop as low as you did because I am an honest gentleman not like you who is full of drama and a made up imagination Good Luck To You. No wonder you cant find anybody to date. Its because of your attitude. Sorry to say....

That hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks, and it's been hurting me all day. Am I really a bitter person who goes around creating drama and scaring off eligible men? Or is he really a jerk? I know I'm better off without him -- maybe I'm better off without Frumster altogether. And I know having a few glasses of wine every night isn't an option.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. He's just a jerk. Your current photo as basis for his decision to date you, (since he already knows you)is so....omg,he is just a jerk, you deserve better & his comments about you getting a date is indicative of his own troubled ego. You have nothing to do with it, its him.

  2. Honest opinion?

    Since you asked: yes, I think you created this particular situation. He was checking out your profile- but men do that all the time. It doesn't mean we're interested, or disinterested, just.. curious. You decided to engage him by sending an icebreaker, then when he responded (the polite thing to do), you re-upped so you could read it. But he's right- no one told you to do that.

    Ayelet, what I've seen here quite often is that you're hard on men. And yourself. I've learned that with dating, and online dating, it's helpful to have developed a thick skin. I understand that it's difficult, and that when you're sensitive, things sting. But give guys a break (and yourself one too). Men aren't all jerks.

    I hope you take my observations in the spirit in which they were offered.

  3. I agree with all the above. The guy's a jerk. You need to develop a thicker skin. And yes, you are better off w/o frumster.

  4. I don't think he was such a jerk. All he did was peek at her profile. Ayelet sent the icebreaker, then re-upped to read his response, then goaded him ("No response. I should have let it go, but apparently I can't.", "This is where I should have left it, but I couldn't.") into admitting he only wanted to see if she had updated pics. (If her profile says "updated!" it could mean anything from a new pic to an extra punctuation mark somewhere in a paragraph.) Then when he's honest, she accuses him of being shallow.

    That's not him being a jerk. That's him being honest. Only after she lashed out at him did he respond.

    As I said above, Ayelet, I've noticed this for a while. It seems you approach dating with a huge chip on your shoulder. I'm sure you have been legitimately hurt, and there certainly are real jerks out there. I don't think this was the case here. Think about what I'm saying and ask yourself if it could be true.

    And Frumster is pretty much dead. There are maybe a handful of girls I'm halfway interested in on Frumster. I haven't re-upped, even with a "stimulus package" offer.

  5. He was being a bit insensitive and a bit crass, but he's only human. You threw the first punch. "I should only assume guys like you are jerks."

    You might have hurt his feelings and he responded with a very unkind response. But you did throw the first punch.

    And yes, guys will look at female pictures out of curiosity and if they see something that attracts them they will up the ante. Men are visual creatures. Is this news? Its a free country.

    Unfortunately that is the stuff that happens on dating sites. When a person sees another person looked at their page they think they are interested, and they might not be. They also may have let a friend use their password to see what kind of people are on the site and decide if they want to join. If you ask me, Frumster should not let you know a certain person checked out your page.

  6. Why don't people cut to the chase and meet? That is the acid test for chemistry. Dozens of photos can not possibly give any sense of a chemistry connection. It's like going to a showroom and sitting in the car playing with the radio, and kicking the tires, or worse yet, looking at the pictures in a brochure (think about how good the food looks on the menu, but then it arrives... not quite what you thought) I suggest a test drive, as an analogy to cars. And I am referring to chemistry not scheduled maintenance. It should only take minutes to know if it is a NO. So why all the back and forth emails and kiddy stuff Just go for it and each of the two should have a simple escape hatch, whether obvious or subtle when planning the meeting. What I have found helpful is to agree to meet for coffee and perhaps a bite/meal. This way we can politely tell the other, if need be, that we don't have very much time so just coffee is all I can do right now and everybody gets to back-out gracefully. J.