Monday, April 27, 2009

General remedy

Dov has finished his three visits to the kever of the Rebbe of Zvil. This weekend Sheera goes to Uman, where Rav Nachman of Breslov is buried. While she's there, my part is to give 3 coins to tzedaka every day and to recite the tikkun haklali, or "general remedy."

I wasn't familiar with this tikkun, so I Googled it. The tikkun haklali was created as a means of atoning for a number of sins, primarily nocturnal emissions. I'm pretty sure that sin is one I've never committed. But my other sins are numerous -- lately, I've been feeling like I rank somewhere between an ax murderer and Bernie Madoff. And while I've been much better in terms of not violating Shabbat by turning on lights or the computer, I've been isolating. Not davening with the community. Not davening at all, in fact.

So I really should try something, if I want to merit the brachot I feel I'm being denied. After all, it's just 10 psalms once a day for four days. But R' Nachman predicted something very scary in his instructions:

When my days are over and I leave this world, I will still intercede for anyone who comes to my grave, says these ten Psalms, and gives a penny to charity. No matter how great his sins, I will do everything in my power, spanning the length and breadth of the creation to cleanse and protect him....

It may seem like an easy thing to say ten Psalms. But it will actually be very difficult in practice.

My sins are great. Anger. Despair. Apathy. Envy. I sound more Catholic than Jewish, but all of these feelings reflect a lack of faith and acceptance of Gd's will. Even more than I need to get married, I need to heal these wounds before they destroy me.

And it's going to be hard for me to say these tehillim. Very hard. I hope I can do it. But I can't outsource all my prayer, so I've got to try.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. More than the formal packaging of the prayer, I think the 'kavana' is the main thing. I don't know how it works with spirit-rabbis in heaven, but I can't imagine that a missed chapter or verse 'ruins' the formula and sets you back to square 1. Then again, I don't know. There are no guarantees either way.

    The bottom line is, you have holy rabbis who can intercede on your behalf, you have holy ancestors who can intercede on your behalf, and you can pray yourself. And there's no way to know which, if any, are going to be answered in the 'revealed good' way that we want.

    We can just wish and bless that they are.