Saturday, April 11, 2009

I should be packing

I'm mostly packed. I'm terrified. I've spent the past 3 days hiding at home. After the first seder, I never ventured forth. Used an upset stomach on Thursday morning as reason to start hiding... and just never went out again. I have to call some people and apologize.

I can't hide from my Israel trip. Dov was unbelievably generous to give me all those frequent flyer miles. But I have no idea how I'll navigate it. How will I find my way around Jerusalem by myself? What will I do with all that time?

I'm also afraid that the time switch will wreak havoc with my mood, as it seemed to during my recent trip to California. And I remember the last Pesach before my suicide attempt, during which I repeatedly told my mother I wished I'd never been born and asked her why she'd had me. That Pesach was preceded and followed by stomach problems. Like the ones I've been having now. Most likely emotional in etiology.

I don't know how I'll survive this trip. And that's a horrible thing to say.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. It will be o.k. Just remember you are on vacation -- TIME TO TAKE IT EASY. So do. It's not work. Have fun! RELAX.