Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It's not all about YOU -- it's all about ME

Shimona did not appreciate my blog post on being her chocolate emissary:

I just read your blog and felt punched in the face. I am trying not to take this personally. All I can do is respectfully ask you to try not to harbor any ill will towards me. Contrary to what you think, my life is not a bed of roses at the moment. I have a major problem brewing that has made me lose sleep, and is very upsetting to me. So, believe it or not, I don't have it all right now, and I need all the positive energy I can get.

This annoyed me tremendously, and I've been struggling with it for two days. First off, it's not like Shimona hasn't expressed the exact same sentiments to me countless times: tired of being single, tired of watching other people -- younger people -- get engaged. It hurts. No matter how much you like the happy couple, it hurts not to be that happy yourself.

Second, I'm not exactly sticking pins into a little Shimona doll wearing a wedding dress. I truly wish her only happiness, and I'm sorry she's going through family issues. And I know how rough it is to be losing sleep, since I cope with that on a regular basis. But I'm entitled to my feelings, too, and this blog is how I cope with them. I haven't claimed my envy is a noble sentiment; I am ashamed of it.

I wanted to write something really snide, like, "I promise not to tell the rape victims in Darfur how much my life sucks if you promise not to tell me how much yours does." But that seemed a little extreme, even for me. So I just wrote back:

You shouldn't take it personally, because it's not about you. And you shouldn't joke about needing reasons to live around people who actually have to work on finding reasons to live.

Her "reason to live" status update really bothered me. Just like my blog post really bothered her. We're both personalizing.

And I'm still struggling with this damn cold; I had a headache all day yesterday, which made relapse prevention group even more agonizing than usual. So clearly I'm out of sorts, and even more inclined to be annoyed at minor things. But I don't like being accused of actual malice toward someone else when I'm really just unhappy about my own situation.

Also, I wish Shimona would make arrangements to collect her damn chocolate, now that I shlepped it in for her. My apartment is crowded enough.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I hate to say it Ayelet but I think Shimona's right. I have a ton of sympathy for how you are feeling and of course you are entitled to your feelings.

    However you are in an interesting conundrum with this blog. You write about people who read it! This is not the first time this has come up I think. I am not sure what you do about it at this stage. But it's a bit obtuse to just say it's my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want when you know that your words can hurt.

    I hope you will read what I have to say below in the spirit intended and not be too angry at me.

    I am sure if you step back you can appreciate how Shimona felt when she read your post. I don't know what her family issues are but I do know that getting engaged, while a wonderful and exciting time is also a time fraught with tension and high emotions. You want your friends to rally around you at a time like that.

    I think you need to figure out a way overall to deal with your issues about getting married. This is not the place to discuss this but you need to figure this out since it is eating you up inside. Do it for your own sake, not just your friendship with Shimona. Frankly I don't think you can successfully date until you get this into perspective. Maybe this is not the place to bring this up but I have wanted to say this to you for a while.

    Meanwhile I hope you can take a deep breath and mend fences with Shimona.

    Sending lots of hugs your way and hoping you feel better soon.

  2. I agree with Riva. Shimona didn't do anything to hurt you, nor did she intend those words, "reason to live," to impact you in any way.

    Same way we say someone's having the best week ever, or this is the funniest clip ever, or other superlatives, she described the chocolate as her reason to live. It's funny, in the ironic gen-x style we all know and love.

    And if you were hurt or angered, which is your right, you should've recognized where it was coming from and that it was baseless (which you did), and then *not* broadcast it. In my opinion.

    I will also echo Riva's sentiments - we love you and are not expressing anything other than respectful opinions. There's no guilt or recrimination.

    I hope that the improving weather and increased daylight will help lighten your mood, and that you find a measure of equilibrium and peace very soon. Mwah!

  3. You are very angry, and that is sad.