Friday, April 24, 2009

Thus ends another blessed week

It's been pretty awful, I don't mind saying -- trying to run groups and do therapy while my mind is churning like a volcano. I think I need to start the melatonin again -- didn't do much for my sleep, but I think it improved my mood. And my mood needs improving. I cried on the subway home last night. How can I facilitate anger management group when I'm seething with rage?

Minka called last night and I talked to her about my anger. How invalidated I felt by everyone's responses to my envy, including the inference that my anger -- and lack of control over it -- is at the root of my singledom. She understood.

"There are two things I think people don't really understand, no matter how you try to explain," she said. "Pain and loneliness."

Minka's struggled with back pain for years, as I have. And she's watched all of her younger siblings get married -- one of them twice -- and procreate. She didn't lambaste me at all for feeling miserable watching younger people get engaged. Which I appreciated.

I also got an interesting email from a Facebook friend named Sheera.

hi ms. ayelet survivor.

despite having never met you, i responded positively to your friend request a while back after taking a few days to get over your scary profile pic of Frida Kahlo. i confirmed the request after checking out our mutual friends.

Scary? I love that picture. It even looks a little like me.

i have read your posts and find them darkly hilarious and resonate a lot with their depth (of anguish.) i am familiar with this particular place and even familiar a bit with what it may take to get out of it (if you really want).

so you don't know me from hole in the ground and i don't know much about your background or what you've done / tried until now with yourself spiritually, but i want to make you an offer, you can take it or leave it obviously. but it will take courage and trust on your part.

i will be traveling to rebbe nachman's gravesite in uman (ukraine) in a few days and will be there for just under a week. if you want, write me a note to bring to him. but it has to be ruthlessly to the point and completely honest. you can ask, complain, beg, explain, whatever you want, but make it to the razor point as to what you truly want in life.

regarding confidentiality, the catch is that the only way really to send it to me is by fax or email and i can either take it and read it there for you "on site" (which is commonly done) and deposit it in the little box next to the grave, or simply print it out without reading it if that is what you prefer--and that would take you trusting me.

although i have went many many times to uman with various notes and names, i did this type of thing only once before for someone in a similar "hopeless" place about 11 years ago. today she is married (happily), living in israel with more than a few children. (not saying that is where you need to be either, but i am giving you her current facts). the condition was that she had to write straight from the heart and to the point. words cannot describe the place i had to literally climb into in order to get that note out of her--the fact that she agreed and actually wrote it was an astounding miracle in and of itself. i will never forget the miracles that occurred to her. the real miracles of a transformed life. it was a process, but it actually happened.

I'm not opposed to other people visiting tombs on my behalf. This is an incredibly loving and generous offer. (To give credit where it's due, Dov has gone to the kever twice and will go again this Monday.) What should I say?

R"Nachman: I want to get married to someone I love and respect, who loves and respects me. I want good physical and mental health. I want emunah and bitachon. I want us to have children. I want us to have a good parnossah and good ahavat yisroel.

That oughta cover it. I think those are all the areas that need improvement. I'm not sure how you're supposed to phrase these requests, though. Am I being too rude and abrupt?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Amen to your note to Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. May your request find favor above and may it be fulfilled speedily followed soon by the advent of Moshiach and the rebuilding of Yerushalayim ir HaKodesh.