Tuesday, April 07, 2009


I'm a big fan of the TV show "House, M.D." But the most recent episode unsettled me. Spoiler alert.

Kutner kills himself.

Nobody knows why. I couldn't understand it. He had a job he loved. Interests. Loving (adoptive) parents. Yes, there was a major childhood trauma, but he seemed to be coping. He always seemed cheerful.

Watching his funeral was hard. I hated the end, when they're watching smoke puff out of the temple chimney. As a Hindu, he would have opted to be cremated, of course. But the worst was watching his friends and family fill the room, staring forward, eyes glazed with pain.

I don't know why someone who seemed so happy would want to die as much as I want to die sometimes. Even now that I have a job I like, and friends and family, and a rent-stabilized apartment in Manhattan, there are plenty of days I still want to die. And I don't know if I'll ever get over that.

Part of me hopes that if there's a terrorist attack this Pesach, while I'm in Israel, that I'm hit. Better me than anyone else. When that young boy was murdered last week, I wished I'd gotten the ax instead.

I'm not saying this so you'll all feel sorry for me. Or worry about me. Because I know I'll never do anything to kill myself as long as my parents are alive -- and we're a long-living clan. I've got a good 30 years, at least. But I can't promise what I'll do after they're both gone, and if I received a diagnosis of terminal illness, I think I'd be relieved.

Another part of me thinks, "How narcissistic am I to watch a TV episode and blog about myself again?" But blogs are inherently narcissistic; I knew that from the start. It's like, "This is your brain. This is your brain on bipolar disorder. Any questions?"
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. The message you should take should be the story of the portrayer, not the character. Apparantly, Kal Penn, the actor, is leaving the show to become the White House's liaison to the entertainment industry. So he's moving on to bigger & better things. If you want to see any analogy to your own life, you can see the character's death as the actor putting old pursuits behind him so he can grow.

    Chag Kasher V'Sameach!

  2. That's a good way of putting it. I've tried to put so much of my past behind me -- maybe that's what really needs killing off. (It would be more fun if I could kill off Dr. Dragon and Dr. Jerk, but from what my clients tell me, prison is no fun whatsoever.)