Sunday, May 24, 2009

Another reject

I rejoined Frumster, as Ziva advised. I had six messages waiting in my inbox. Two were from men in their 50s or 60s, and I dispatched them hastily. Another was from a 40something accountant named Sam. He seemed decent enough, grew up in Queens. I was slightly curious about his marital status: "divorced (get not required), without children." Which means, he married a non-Jew. Interesting.

I wrote back and Sam sent me an IM.

Sam: hi
Ayelet: hi
Sam: how was your weekend
Ayelet: relaxing, how was urs?
Sam: same
Sam: have you had any luck with this website
Ayelet: well, nothing's worked out so far ;)
Sam: so i have a chance, lol
Ayelet: what do u do?
Sam: office mgr for a computer company

Office manager? I thought he was an accountant.

Sam: you
Ayelet: clinical social worker
Sam: nice
Ayelet: I like it
Sam: you have a beautiful smile
Ayelet: thought u were an accountant
Ayelet: thank you
Sam: acct too
Sam: but for private industries
Sam: no cpa

No CPA? In other words, no ambition.

Sam: i was married once before
Ayelet: why was get not required?

That's what it says on his profile. His IM window closed for a minute, so I thought I'd scared him off, then it reopened.

Sam: sorry
Sam: got bumped off
Ayelet: ok
Sam: would you like to meet
Ayelet: let's talk a little more
Ayelet: y did ur divorce not need a get?
Sam: sure
Sam: yes , i married out of the faith
Ayelet: how long were u married?
Sam: 13 yrs
Ayelet: thought u came from a frum family
Sam: no. mixed
Sam: my father was
Sam: mom no
Ayelet: y did u marry a non-Jew?
Sam: stuubborn
Ayelet: when did u get divorced?
Sam: 2 yrs ago
Ayelet: no children?
Sam: no
Ayelet: r u able to have children?
Sam: yes
Ayelet: y did u get divorced?
Sam: felt guilty
Ayelet: about what?
Sam: married out of the faith
Ayelet: did u observe anything while u were married?
Sam: yes
Sam: i alwalys kept kosher
Sam: and shabbath
Sam: she converted but the conservative way
Sam: too easy
Ayelet: what does she do now?
Sam: went back to her old ways
Sam: officially she is not jewish
Ayelet: ok
Ayelet: y didn't u have kids?
Sam: we tried
Sam: didnt happen
Ayelet: so u don't know if u can have kids
Sam: i think i can
Sam: never got checked

You think you can, after trying and failing? But never got any confirmation? No thank you. Nice just isn't enough.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. There are plenty of reasons to consider rejecting this guy but his not having been tested for infertility is not one of them. They may have been ambivalent about having kids etc. Even if he has fertility issues you know there's lots that can be done about that.

  2. He said they tried and couldn't get pregnant, and neither of them ever got tested. I didn't include the entire IM, but it definitely left me with the feeling that the guy doesn't know how to face up to problems.

  3. Well first of all the title "another reject" strikes me as callous. Is it just a meat market to you? Weeding through rejects and non rejects? These are human beings like you and I with positives and negatives like you and I. I don't think its kind to refer to people you are not interested in as "rejects".

    Second of all, I agree with your hesitancy about meeting him. He seems a little too quick on the draw, and not very forthcoming with the sticky issues.

    He also seems, to not being fully honest. He can't answer yes I can have kids if he hasn't been tested. And especially having tried. The "not full honesty" issue is much more important than lack of ability to have children. If that's all that's bothering you, (I doubt it, you're very intuitive) I would get to know the person and ask him to be tested if you both get beyond the initial stage of "do I think you're in the ballpark".

  4. You're right, anon., labeling him as "a reject" is kind of harsh. I'll try to be more sensitive in future.

  5. I have a few comments.

    1. If you tried to get pregnant for 10+ years, didn't succeed, and didn't get tested, there's more to the story. Either you didn't want to have kids, or you were dirt poor, or something. People nowadays try for 2-3 years max before getting tested.

    2. Feeling guilty about marrying out of the faith is not a reason to divorce after 13 years. Again, there's more to the story.

    Either way, good on you for not wasting any more time on him.