Thursday, May 21, 2009

I can't do it

I can't go out with Baltimore Guy. As I promised, I emailed Ziva to update her on my latest:

I started The Garden of Emuna but have not really gone deep yet. I'll have a lot of time over Shabbos and Shavuot, and I think I'll be reading more of it then. During the week I'm too emotionally drained from work to focus on anything like that.

I have been trying to psych myself up to get to know this guy from Baltimore. But I'm miserable. He's not anything like what I hoped. He's not Shomer Shabbat, although he says he's open to it. And the 3 children (2 teenagers), 2 of whom live with him... I don't know if I could handle being a wicked stepmother in a new city where I have no friends. Every time I think about giving him a chance, I cry. So I don't know if I'm just being stubborn or if he's really not right for me.

I do cry thinking about him. Fortunately, in NYC nobody bothers with a quietly crying woman on the subway. No response from Ziva yet, but I did get some validation from Levi via IM:

Levi: I wasn't putting too much stock in your decision to go after this guy in Baltimore. Not frum enough for you.

Ayelet: thank you... everyone else is pushing me to him

Levi: Why would they push a young woman with no kids who is frum to go with a divorced man with teenagers who isn't even Shomer Shabbos? It doesn't make much sense to me.

Ayelet: I'm not young, I'm thirty-x

Levi: You need to deal with this from a position of strength. You have a lot to offer someone. Stop letting these people who just want to see you married -- even if it's to someone wholly inappropriate to you -- define what you are looking for.

What he said.

The LIRR matchmaker emailed me to postpone. I did the same to her back in February, so I guess it's fair enough. I'll let you know if I ever shlep out there and the results, if any.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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