Wednesday, June 10, 2009

bleh. meh. feh.

Change is hard. I want to exercise and eat more healthfully, yet I find myself trying to get out of my 10-minutes-a-day, and I'm binging. I like to tell myself that if I eat something really healthy, say a whole bag (14 oz.) of pre-washed salad and 4 peaches, I can then eat whatever I want, such as half a container of ice cream.

I don't know why this is such a struggle. I find myself eating when I'm not hungry -- almost in spite of myself, or to spite myself. Forcing myself to eat ice cream when I'm full. I don't know why I'm resisting change so strenuously.

I guess old habits are comforting, even old bad habits. Likewise, I don't know why I try to avoid exercise when I know it's the only thing that will help me. Crystals? Please. It's easy to put rocks in my bra and drink essences, but I don't really feel a difference. I'll give it a few more weeks and then I'll give the crystals to Malka, who likes pretty stones.

Fortunately, I don't binge like a real bulemic, nor do I purge. I've been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds for about a month. And while I'm not thrilled with my double chin, I'm also not totally disgusted by my body. Progress of a sort, I suppose.

I'm still dallying with yingerman, although I unfriended him on Facebook in a fit of pique (I thought he was ignoring my IMs) and I have no plans to travel to Berlin, so I don't know how we're going to meet in person. I started a correspondence with another Frumster guy, and if it goes anywhere I'll blog about it. Ziva gave my phone # to a guy who's only a few years older than I am. I'll let you know if he ever calls.

I'm dragging. That's the "bleh. meh." I can barely get up in the morning, and showering is apparently beyond me. Fortunately it's been cool and damp, so my questionable personal hygiene isn't apparent to my co-workers and colleagues. At least I hope it isn't; nobody's said anything. It's very hard to get myself up, dressed, fed, and to work, although once I'm there, I find myself well able to conduct assessments and therapy, write treatment plans, and even facilitate groups.

A college friend I reconnected with on Facebook just posted this status update:

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal" -- Albert Camus

Ain't it the truth...
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Oh my God. How true. Albert Camus FTW.

  2. Now, now, not all is lost.

    Bingeing is actually good exercise, if you do it correctly and consistently.

    While engaged in a bingeing episode, try to get your heart rate up to the "Target zone" for your fitness level. Do so at least three times a week and you will that find bingeing provides a terrific cardiovascular workout, although you should keep a pack or so of Dentine in your bra just in case an impromptu "social opportunity" develops.

    Anyone who eats 14 oz. of washed salad and peaches followed by one half container of ice cream SHOULD upchuck as much of that mess as possible. To leave those all those carbohydrates, fats and calories in your colon is infinitely more harmful than a little puking.

    From a religious perspective, bingeing is only objectionable when it is done solely to get attention at inappropriate moments, like during your wedding, in the middle of your son's bar mitzvah, or while giving birth.

    The fact that you keep recycling the same five pounds repeatedly is highly commendable. It proves that you are socially alert and concerned about what is good for the environment!

    Al Gore loves you!

    Although I have only the briefest exposure to your work, I already see terrific progress in your emotional and spiritual growth.

    Keep up the good work, and remember that we, your adoring public, wait anxiously for filming to start on the screenplay version of "Rocks in My Bra," that best seller just screaming to jump out of you and onto Barnes and Noble bookshelves!