Friday, August 07, 2009

Craptacular end to a craptastic week

I have the very bad habit of frequently feeling sorry for myself, but honestly, this has been a rotten week. My doctor wants to put me on cholesterol medication because my levels are stratospheric. And I'm thinking, "Why should I care if I die of a heart attack at 50? If being alone when I'm young is miserable, being old and alone will be utterly wretched."

Of course, high cholesterol also correlates with dementia and stroke, not just heart attack. Great. If I lost 30 pounds my levels would plummet, but I can't exercise because the damn trainer ruined my knees.

I got another bill related to the hit-and-run, which MVAIC was supposed to take care of and didn't. Another flurry of calls to make, hoops to jump through.

To top it all off, as I sat on the subway wondering why more bad things happen to me than to other people, I noticed that my favorite watch had fallen off my wrist somewhere between the B and F trains. Irony, or I guess stainless-steelery.

I suppose it's replaceable, but I'm just so wretched right now. I'm trying to hold it together because I'm a professional, so when my boss came into my office to discuss my expanded post-promotions responsibilities, I played calm and alert. But I didn't care. It didn't make me happy. Even though I think I'll really enjoy what I'll be doing.

Right now, nothing could make me happy. Not anticipating the cruise, not optimism about my future, not shopping for a replacement watch. The present is just an endless steaming pile of crap, and every time I think I've climbed free, even more pours right back on me. The Garden of Emuna says that if something bad happens to you, it's a sign to examine your life and see where you're lacking. Doesn't say what to do if everything bad happens to you, all the time.

My doctor told me that next year I'll have to start going for mammograms. I don't think I'll bother. I don't even think I'll go on cholesterol medication. I take enough pills as it is, and I don't want to live forever.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Sorry your mood remains so punk. Hope your nieces distract you!

    Don't fret about these minor medical problems. You yourself told me your cholestorol may have been artificially elevated from food you ate. So you are probably fine.
    And take it from me you don't want to die of breast
    cancer--a nasty way to go.

    Let's have those margaritas soon!--Riva (don't know how to disable being labeled by my nonexistant blog!)

  2. Sometimes life really is just a crapshower. I'm sorry, kid.

    Take some time to just breathe, don't worry about the whole cholesterol etc issue for a week. A week won't make much difference anyway.

    At the end of a week, stop and think about it. Yeah, life sucks sometimes. Yeah, sometimes it seems like you'd just want it to be over and believe me I feel that way a LOT. But passive suicide is still suicide, and that's just not how you want to go. You've got a lot of good stuff in your life, and you can visibly see that things are getting better. This is just a temporary setback, it's a crap week because nothing is perfect and it'll never be one thrilling hysterically happy week after the other. Pick yourself up, eat some chocolate, go out to dinner with a friend, or buy yourself a really good book. Then have a good long cry and go to sleep. You'll feel better.


  3. Hey Ayelet
    I'm a modern orthodox girl with anxiety and depression problems. I share with you the burden of living with an illness that prevents us from feeling "normal" most of the time. I feel for you, and, though I'm thousands miles away, think about you and pray that you'll get through this hard time. Don't let the little things get in the way of your well being. I know it's not easy. But I know we'll make it.
    shavoua tov

  4. Thank you for your chizuk, everyone. I'm feeling better. My niece Shira gave me a brooch that says "#1 AUNT" and is surrounded by purple rhinestones.

  5. "If being alone when I'm young is miserable, being old and alone will be utterly wretched."

    why do you assume that not being alone would make you not miserable? Last I checked marriage wasn't an approved treatment for depression.

  6. Actually, AE, research shows that married people are less likely to be depressed:

  7. Ayelet,
    First of all, been there. I'm with you my sister.

    And AE makes a good point (she usually does).

    Most of the positive affects of marriage in studies are for MEN. Married men live longer and are less likely to be depressed. The finding are not as powerful for women. Not saying that being with the right person isn't amazing, but better off alone than with the wrong person.

    Hope you continue to feel better. Your niece sounds so sweet and she is lucky to have you as an aunt.

  8. AE and TO are right; marriage is usually better for men than women. I've been extremely selective about the type of person I'd consider marrying, mainly because I don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire.

    My niece is lucky, I guess, but I'm really lucky too ;)